Sturgeon planning to catapult infected Scots into England

SCOTTISH people infected with Covid-19 will be catapulted into England to help reduce the country’s number of daily cases, Nicola Sturgeon has confirmed.

The first minister of Scotland has positioned hundreds of trebuchets, mangonels and onagers on the Anglo-Scottish border in her bid to hurl diseased Scots as far south as Carlisle.

Sturgeon said: “Closing pubs and restaurants in central Scotland was only ever going to achieve so much, so we had to start thinking outside the box.

“Our batteries of EU-funded siege engines will not only suppress the virus, they’ll also help boost our economy by creating hundreds of jobs for catapult builders and operators.

“Infected English people will even be allowed to take a ride on our catapults for a small fee of thousands of pounds. Of course the whole experience will be completely free for all Scottish residents.

“And if all that doesn’t make England want to get shot of us, f**k knows what will.”

If the scheme works, Boris Johnson said he might consider building comparatively shoddy catapults that point towards Wales in a fortnight’s time.

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Man can't be arsed to fill his evenings

A MAN has admitted that, although his evenings are the most precious moments of his day, he just cannot be f**ked doing anything with them.

Stephen Malley spends every night from 6pm to midnight plagued by the sense that he ought to be enjoying himself while pissing about on his phone and vaping.

Malley explained: “I am aware that this is my leisure time and I should spend it doing something I really want to do. Some nights I muster up the energy for a wank.

“But largely my evenings just slip by, bringing me one step closer to the grave and six episodes closer to completing all 32 series of The Simpsons. So swings and roundabouts.

“I could play a videogame. I could read a book. I could teach myself to cook, using all that chef shit I bought at the beginning of lockdown. But mostly I find my greatest satisfaction is found in doing absolutely f**k all.”

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Free time can be a terrible burden. Some people suffer it so badly they have no option but to take up some kind of hobby, or even worse make plans.

“Mr Malley is doing the sensible thing by simply lying still and waiting for it to pass. What would be the point of doing anything else?”