SCOTTISH people infected with Covid-19 will be catapulted into England to help reduce the country’s number of daily cases, Nicola Sturgeon has confirmed.
The first minister of Scotland has positioned hundreds of trebuchets, mangonels and onagers on the Anglo-Scottish border in her bid to hurl diseased Scots as far south as Carlisle.
Sturgeon said: “Closing pubs and restaurants in central Scotland was only ever going to achieve so much, so we had to start thinking outside the box.
“Our batteries of EU-funded siege engines will not only suppress the virus, they’ll also help boost our economy by creating hundreds of jobs for catapult builders and operators.
“Infected English people will even be allowed to take a ride on our catapults for a small fee of thousands of pounds. Of course the whole experience will be completely free for all Scottish residents.
“And if all that doesn’t make England want to get shot of us, f**k knows what will.”
If the scheme works, Boris Johnson said he might consider building comparatively shoddy catapults that point towards Wales in a fortnight’s time.