Woman asking boyfriend what her best feature is pissed off he said smile not arse

A WOMAN who asked her partner what the best thing about her appearance was is fuming that he chose her smile and not her shapely backside.

Nikki Hollis dropped the obviously leading question to boyfriend Tom Logan casually over dinner, received the wrong answer, then angrily blanked him for the rest of the evening.

Hollis said: “My smile? My f**king smile? That’s the kind of thing you say to fat people and gingers when there’s nothing else to work with.

“I go to the gym five times a week to keep my body in this shape, which he’s clearly not f**king noticed.

“Arse, legs, tits, f**k me, even flat tummy or shoulders would have been preferable. He obviously takes me for granted. I’m dumping him and tomorrow he’ll get back from work to find all his shit in the front garden.”

Logan said: “Nikki’s got an incredible figure, but you just don’t tell women you like their arses or tits do you? Not unless you’re a builder.

“She went strangely silent afterwards, so I’m guessing she was tired. Still, she’ll cheer up when I surprise her tomorrow with a big bunch of flowers after work.”

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How to feel sorry for Andy Murray finishing work at 4am

ANDY Murray is raging about having to work for five hours and finish at 4am. Here’s how to feel sorry about this blatant breach of his human rights.

Put yourself in his shoes

A bit of empathy goes a long way. How would you like it if your job took you to Australia and you had to do it in a stadium filled with adoring fans? Exactly. Once you factor in these horrific working conditions Murray’s whingeing makes total sense and he doesn’t sound like a petulant twat at all.

Pretend night shifts don’t exist

Lots of people toil away during the night without complaining about it. And some of them don’t even get lucrative sponsorship deals, would you believe? Erase these people from your mind if you want to feel sorry for Andy Murray. If he’s the only person in history who’s had to work when everyone else is sleeping, he’s got a good point.

Ignore how much he’s paid

His income is probably the biggest hurdle to sympathising with Murray. Yes, his estimated worth is more than you’ll ever earn in numerous lifetimes, but try to imagine he’s paid whatever pitiful sum you rake in. Otherwise he sounds silly for not wanting to hit a ball and be paid millions for it while it happens to be dark outside.

Remember he’s a sports personality

Sports personalities are better than you. They’ve dedicated their existence to perfecting a very specific set of pointless actions which don’t save or improve anyone’s life. The idea that they should have to be inconvenienced in the slightest when they are practically gods is blasphemous. Shame on you.

Think of him as British

Still struggling to feel sorry for Andy Murray? Remember he’s one of your own. How could you ignore the plight of your fellow countryman as he wearily battles his way through the early hours of the day? Admittedly this step will require a lot of effort if you’re English because, to be fair, he is acting like a right Scottish diva.