subscribe
/ Sign Out

Woman can't be arsed with eating outside if it's only with her boyfriend

A WOMAN cannot be bothered to sit in the cold outside a restaurant now that restrictions have lifted if the only person eating with her is her boyfriend.

Lucy Parry’s boyfriend Jack Browne asked if she would like to go out for a romantic meal only to be informed that he is not worth freezing her tits off for.

Parry said: “If it was one of the mates that I haven’t been able to get pissed with for months asking me out to dinner, I’d be there like a shot.

“But unfortunately it’s only Jack, whose stupid face and conversation I have endured all day, every day for 12 long months.

“He might think having dinner together out of the house will give our relationship a boost, but actually I’ll just resent the fact that he’s making me eat a cold pizza in the street when I could be tucked up at home ignoring him.

“Are we happy together? Yes. It’s just that our relationship works better when we don’t see each other much.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Shopping in Asda: Five terrible things that may happen if you don't get your child a private tutor

DO you think attending school Monday to Friday is enough education for your child? This is sleepwalking into disaster. Here are five dire consequences of not getting them extra tutoring:

You’ll become an object of pity

Other parents will adopt brave voices at the school gates and say things like ‘Well, happiness is more important than achievement, isn’t it?’ or ‘We’re only going for the grammar because Isla desperately needs to be challenged’.

People will think you are a bad parent

Unless you have an English tutor on speed dial, people will think you don’t care about your child and assume you are instead spending the £40 an hour on fags and crisps. And, frankly, you might as well be given all the chances they’ll be denied.

Your child will shop in Asda and live in your shed

Without the early advantages a maths tutor will bring, your offspring will become useless members of society, fit only for timing their downmarket supermarket trips in order to pounce on discounted pork pies. They will then consume them in your hastily-converted garden shed where they have been living for three years while looking for a job.

You’ll lose all perspective

If you don’t get your child a tutor you’ll become convinced they need to ‘win’ in some other way, resulting in you forcing them into another arena they have no interest in, like drama or athletics, and forgetting that if they ‘just’ want to be a plumber they’ll always be employed and make loads of money.

They won’t get into the grammar school

Forgetting about you for a minute, this is the other point of getting a tutor. But the truth is they’re not going to get into the grammar school anyway, even with the tutor, because it’s insanely competitive and other parents have more money to hothouse their kids.

Next story ›