Woman clearly villain of her own anecdote

A WOMAN is telling an anecdote which appears, to all listeners if not to the speaker, to be about what an arsehole she is. 

Sophie Rodriguez admitted at girls’ drinks she had argued with mutual friend Lucy Parry and all those gathered put on their best sympathy faces only to conclude they were sympathising with the wrong party.

Cheskie Johnson said: “It’s only polite and sisterly to call a good friend a ‘vile, arrogant cow’ in such circumstances, so we were ready.

“But Sophie explained she’d moved in with Lucy temporarily two months ago, that Lucy was ‘restricting her sexually’ by complaining when she brought blokes back and that she hadn’t meant to sell Lucy’s laptop. And we all realised we’d backed the wrong horse.

“Still, we had to nod along to her not-remotely-convincing explanation of how it had happened while haunted by visions of random blokes with dangling balls in her flat. You’re meant to decide whose balls are out in your flat. Estate agents should make more of it.

“Anyway, turns out Lucy is completely in the right and is owed at least three grand not counting rent, all of which we gleaned from an anecdote from which Sophie came out as the queen of all twats while being blissfully unaware.”

She added: “I made up for my error by calling Lucy and giving her a full rundown. Now my conscience is clean.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Julian Assange returning to Neighbours

LONG-RUNNING Neighbours character Julian Assange, best remembered for a storyline where he revealed Erinsborough’s secrets, is returning to the soap. 

The white-haired Assange, who ran a site called Ramseyleaks, caused mayhem during his previous run when he revealed confidential information including Harold Bishop faking his own death and Jim Robinson’s Vietnam war record.

Viewer Carolyn Ryan said: “Fantastic to see him back, such a distinctive character and so believable. In a Neighbours context.

“He was introduced shortly after the plane crash storyline, as a focused computer hacker determined to destabilise the power structure of the Lassiter’s complex which reduces humans to living slaves, so he started publishing anonymous stories a bit like Bridgerton. 

“His revelations made him a key suspect in the attempted murder of Paul Robinson, but when he tried to frame Toadfish for it the street turned against him and he fled for the Ecuadorian embassy in one of the show’s more credibility-straining departures.

“Apparently now he’s out of prison and picking up where he left off. He’s already revealed that Mike isn’t really a motorcycle tour guide in London and is in fact a respected Hollywood actor. So that bit’s been ruined.”

She added: “I used to watch the lunchtime one and then spoil it for everyone in school by telling them what happened. So I quite like him.”