A WOMAN aiming to impress a crush by mimicking his behaviour has been dismayed to discover he is a massive arsehole.
23-year-old Charlotte Phelps started to copy slightly older Tom Booker, 31, before realising she would have to become an annoying pseud with a ludicrously high opinion of herself and shit glasses.
Phelps said: “I thought if I took on aspects of his personality he’d find me attractive because we’d be alike. Then I realised it would involve me becoming a pretentious, narcissistic bastard too.
“Obviously I began by reading the same books as Tom. Unfortunately those books are f**king dull. It’s all wilfully obscure poems and GCSE English classics I’m sure he doesn’t understand.
“As for films, he watches the most obvious things imaginable for his demographic. So I’d also have to think The Godfather is the greatest film ever made. Gosh, how original.
“Unfortunately I read somewhere that if you copy your crush’s body language they’ll find you attractive, but copying Tom has just given me loads of bad habits – eating with my mouth open, borderline alcoholism, scratching my genitals in public.
“My friends now think I’m a total prick. And they’re right. I wouldn’t hang out with me.”
Booker said: “Most women are infatuated with me, even if they don’t realise it. Nothing’s going to happen with Charlotte though. How could I go out with someone who’s never seen The Hidden Fortress?”