Woman copying everything her crush does realises he's a wanker

A WOMAN aiming to impress a crush by mimicking his behaviour has been dismayed to discover he is a massive arsehole.

23-year-old Charlotte Phelps started to copy slightly older Tom Booker, 31, before realising she would have to become an annoying pseud with a ludicrously high opinion of herself and shit glasses.

Phelps said: “I thought if I took on aspects of his personality he’d find me attractive because we’d be alike. Then I realised it would involve me becoming a pretentious, narcissistic bastard too. 

“Obviously I began by reading the same books as Tom. Unfortunately those books are f**king dull. It’s all wilfully obscure poems and GCSE English classics I’m sure he doesn’t understand. 

“As for films, he watches the most obvious things imaginable for his demographic. So I’d also have to think The Godfather is the greatest film ever made. Gosh, how original.

“Unfortunately I read somewhere that if you copy your crush’s body language they’ll find you attractive, but copying Tom has just given me loads of bad habits – eating with my mouth open, borderline alcoholism, scratching my genitals in public. 

“My friends now think I’m a total prick. And they’re right. I wouldn’t hang out with me.”

Booker said: “Most women are infatuated with me, even if they don’t realise it. Nothing’s going to happen with Charlotte though. How could I go out with someone who’s never seen The Hidden Fortress?”

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Hannah Ingram-Moore: Dad wanted me to cut down Sycamore Gap tree

CAPTAIN Tom’s daughter has revealed it was his wish for her to cut down the Sycamore Gap tree.

Speaking from her pool filled to the brim with £50 notes, Hannah Ingram-Moore explained that Captain Tom always hated the sight of the Sycamore Gap tree and it was his dying request for her to take a chainsaw to it.

She said: “Don’t get mad at me. Blame the national treasure war hero who raised £38 million for the NHS during the pandemic, God rest his soul.

“Whenever we drove past it, which we did often, his cheerful smile would drop and the real Captain Tom would come out. ‘The Bowthorpe Oak dicks on that upstart piece of shit,’ I remember him screaming.

“His deep loathing of the Sycamore Gap tree was even the plot of his third book. Not that anyone ever got round to reading it because the first one was a trite collection of life advice rattled off for a quick buck.

“Anyway, how could I say no after all he did for us? Leaving it standing would have been a blight on his legacy, which thanks to my careful stewardship is immaculate and will remain so for generations to come.

“Everyone’s anger was pretty traumatising though. So I’ve set up the Hannah Ingram-Moore charity if you want to sling a few quid towards my counselling bill.”