Woman coyly tells date she's going for a massive piss

A WOMAN has alluringly confided in her date that she is going to the bathroom for a really big piss.

After sinking three glasses of Jacob’s Creek in 40 minutes, Lucy Parry whispered to date James Bates that she was just popping to the ladies for a humongous leak.

He said: “The date was going well and I was really attracted to Lucy. When she leant into my ear and dipped her voice to a low, husky tone, I could barely contain my excitement.

“So you can imagine my confusion when she said she was off to ‘urinate like a motherf**king racehorse’. Then as she sauntered to the bathroom she looked over her shoulder and shot me a wink.

“Is that some kind of code? Am I meant to do something now? Or are the flirtatiousness and having a wee unrelated? I’m incredibly turned on, and also afraid.”

Speaking over the hand dryer, Parry said: “I’m clearly drunk and didn’t plan that, but I think it either scared James off or put us on a new level of intimacy.

“If anything’s going to happen I need to ease off the wine. If I don’t I won’t get through sex without another wee break.”

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Second wave in two weeks and action against second wave in five weeks, warns Johnson

THE prime minister has warned that a second wave of coronavirus could begin in two weeks with urgent action against it scheduled for three weeks later. 

Boris Johnson told Britain he was extremely concerned about outbreaks ‘bubbling up’ in Britain by August 12th, and when that happened the government would act immediately following September 2nd.

He said: “As always we are led by the science, but we are also keeping a respectful and sensible distance from the science. A distance of about three weeks.

“So should infections begin to spike around Europe, we will not be slow to react by ordering all state employees back to work in offices, to save Pret.

“Should we then see a corresponding spike in Britain, I will waste no time in imposing quarantine on all travellers from abroad.

“And once the second wave has unmistakably begun, I pledge to act fast by making a speech defending the ancient right of free-born citizens of this country to go to the pub, and their wives to go to Next.

“Finally, and only once it is far too late, we will announce pubs, shops and of course schools are closing but inexplicably not until three days later. Like clockwork.”