Woman locked in vicious secret competition with all boyfriend's exes

A MAN in a long-term relationship has no idea that his girlfriend is locked in unending secret war with all his previous partners. 

Grace Wood-Morris grimly searches out information about Tom Logan’s ex-girlfriends and decides in what arena she must best her spectral rivals in before going at it full-force.

She said: “So this f**king Charlotte was a professional chef, so I ended up doing cookery classes until I could make a pavlova that beat hers. So she’s done.

“I’m having to be funnier than Sara, prettier than Katie and sexier than Natasha. That last one’s killing me because she was a total slag, but I can’t stop until he unfriends her on Instagram.

“Jenny got on fantastically with his mates, so I’m having to pretend that shower of arseholes are funtime not f**k-ups, and Claire was adventurous so we’re booked on a potholing weekend.

“Never mind that he’s not seen most of them in years and describes them as mental. I can’t rest until I’ve beaten the lot.”

Logan said: “Which one was Natasha again? Was she blonde?”

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Woke blob can only hurt you if you believe in it

THE ‘woke blob’ of civil servants which terrifies Daily Telegraph readers can only hurt you if you believe it is real, it has emerged. 

The blob, which only those sufficiently right-wing can even see, descends upon perfectly innocent ideological hardliners and consumes them slowly and agonisingly leaving only the bare bones of a political career behind.

Backbencher Denys Finch Hatton said: “I’m terrified of the blob. I watched it envelop Kwasi Kwarteng, slowly absorbing every policy and conviction he had until he was nothing but a platitude-mouthing shell.

“But then other MPs walk through it as if it isn’t even there, considering it merely Whitehall employees suggesting that certain ideas might be unworkable due to international, and in some case physical, law.

“Suella’s locked in battle with the blob. She’s fighting it every single day. But to moderates she’s just kicking and punching and shouting at the air like a street-corner lunatic.

“The country at large doesn’t even believe in it. They seem to think our radical ideas, like ditching thousands of EU laws without even knowing what they are or the British Bill of Rights, are failing because they’re nonsense dreamed up by morons.

“When actually it’s all the blob.”