Friday, 6th December 2019

Woman opts for celibacy rather than tidying her room

A WOMAN has decided never to have sex again rather than endure the horror of tidying her bedroom.

After careful consideration, Nikki Hollis, 28, has concluded that intercourse is simply not worth the effort of tackling mountains of sh*t and possible health hazards.

Hollis said: “I was supposed to have a date tonight, but I took one look at the carnage and decided ‘no way’. I don’t even know where the hoover is in my house.

“However good this guy would’ve been it’s just not worth it. There’s the chair covered in clothes to sort out, the broken wardrobe rail necessitating the chair of clothes, and that weird smell that’s been there for weeks.

“There’s also the mystery of the missing satsuma I lost under the bed last month, which could be a factor in the smell issue. Or it could be a carton of mouldy noodles I left somewhere. I don’t really care so long as it’s not a dead mouse.

“It’s cool, I’ll just stay home, get a takeaway to eat in bed with Netflix and make the place a bit worse. Great.”

Fortunately the man Hollis had been due to go on a date with had been about to cancel too, due to being at a really crucial moment in Call Of Duty in an equally filthy pigsty.