Woman opts for celibacy rather than tidying her room

A WOMAN has decided never to have sex again rather than endure the horror of tidying her bedroom.

After careful consideration, Nikki Hollis, 28, has concluded that intercourse is simply not worth the effort of tackling mountains of sh*t and possible health hazards.

Hollis said: “I was supposed to have a date tonight, but I took one look at the carnage and decided ‘no way’. I don’t even know where the hoover is in my house.

“However good this guy would’ve been it’s just not worth it. There’s the chair covered in clothes to sort out, the broken wardrobe rail necessitating the chair of clothes, and that weird smell that’s been there for weeks.

“There’s also the mystery of the missing satsuma I lost under the bed last month, which could be a factor in the smell issue. Or it could be a carton of mouldy noodles I left somewhere. I don’t really care so long as it’s not a dead mouse.

“It’s cool, I’ll just stay home, get a takeaway to eat in bed with Netflix and make the place a bit worse. Great.”

Fortunately the man Hollis had been due to go on a date with had been about to cancel too, due to being at a really crucial moment in Call Of Duty in an equally filthy pigsty.

Are you tediously wholesome enough to be a Bake Off contestant?

THE new Bake Off contestants look so pleasant and well-adjusted you’re probably feeling a bit nauseous already. But are you annoyingly nice enough to get on the show? Read our checklist.

Do you have a childlike love of baking?

Whilst baking is ‘nice’, it’s not a pursuit any right thinking adult should indulge in and people who like it may be regressing into a childlike state. So if you’re a fully-grown human who squeals like an idiot at the sight of a fairy cake or collects stuffed giraffes or whatever, definitely apply. 

Have you got a comforting regional accent?

Everyone on Bake Off has a voice like Mrs Goggins from Postman Pat, or some other similarly soothing accent. However Fred West probably sounded quite nice on the phone so to be honest that doesn’t prove anything.

Do you have a signature ‘look’?

A lot of Bake Off contestants have a look that singles them out. Essentially what you’re aiming for is a bit trendy or slightly different but totally non-threatening. Invest in a large collection of Hawaiian shirts and ‘fun’ glasses, or a tiny tattoo somewhere no one can see it.

Are there pictures of you doing wholesome things on social media? 

Vital to get on the show. In preparation for Bake Off 2020, start a punishing regime of spending every free moment taking selfies of yourself stroking a llama at a petting zoo or looking insanely happy about a Victoria sponge.