Woman sets minimum height on Tinder to six foot eight to be done with it

A WOMAN has set the minimum height she will accept in a partner to 6ft 8ins so she never has to think about it ever again. 

Grace Wood-Morris, who is 5ft 9ins, at first wavered at around six foot three before deciding to shoot it all the way to the top and move on with the rest of her life.

She said: “They should have a little counter so the number of available men goes down from thousands to hundreds to zero. That would have made it more satisfying.

“There surely can’t be more than five to 15 single men of that height in the UK, can there? I’ve set it above Osman. Greg Davies won’t swipe, he knows I’m out of his league.

“There you go men, it’s all about height. But when screening for height, why not consider everything else men have to offer – football fandom, obsessive video gaming, a mate from school called Chegsy – and keep on screening for height until there’s no-one left?

“Would I like to go out with a man who’s six foot eight? Not especially. I imagine he’d be just like the rest of them, but bigger.”

Furniture remover Martin Bishop, 6ft 9ins, said: “I shall message her directly. I think of myself as a gentle giant, though I do have a conviction for wounding with intent.”

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Man who hates clubbing goes clubbing to meet women who hate clubbing

A MAN who loathes dancing with sweaty strangers in a dark room has gone to a club to meet women who would rather be anywhere else. 

In his ongoing quest to meet a girl who is likewise sick of questing, Tom Booker paid £12 plus drinks for the polar opposite of his idea of fun, hoping to encounter single women disgusted with what they have become.

Booker said: “I am clubbing in spite of myself. Look! Look at me pretend it’s fun!

“It’s not just that I hate the music and despise awkwardly shuffling to a club mix of Hot To Go, I’m also here with friends I dislike while wearing clothes that don’t reflect the real me. Please, see beyond this mauve polo shirt.

“Women love it when you fake your whole personality, right? And they love to do the same, as I’ve learned from exes, so logically this place should be jumping with bookish types with framed Kandinsky posters.

“This is what dating is about: subjecting yourself to experiences you hate to hook up with someone also there in spite of themselves so you never have to buy £16 expresso martinis again. Then you have kids.”

Fellow clubber Lucy Parry said: “Tom’s in the right place. Every woman in here is acting the party girl while our eyes say ‘please, take me to a farmer’s market.’”