Woman watching man tune guitar loses libido and will to live

A MAN has made such a pretentious faff of tuning a guitar before playing it that his girlfriend can feel the life force seeping out of her.

Martin Bishop, 29, invited Helen Archer back to his place for a nightcap, before casually picking up his acoustic guitar and ruining the whole evening for both of them.

Archer said: “I thought we were going back for a shag, so initially I was prepared to indulge him if he wanted to wank his way through Don’t Look Back In Anger first.

“Unfortunately we didn’t get that far because he spent a very long time tuning it with an expression of such tortured concentration that I couldn’t help but imagine him on the toilet trying to squeeze out an exceptionally reluctant shit.

“I stopped fancying him after about fifteen minutes and wanted to garrotte myself with one of his guitar strings not long after that, so it’s fair to say that I don’t see things working out well for us.”

Bishop said: “Helen was so overwhelmed by my incredible musicianship that she left before I’d even played a song.”

“I haven’t heard from her since so she must still be recovering.”

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Alkaline water better than alcohol for making people talk bollocks

THE new health trend of drinking alkaline enhanced water has proven as effective as alcohol at making people talk a lot of shit.

Alkaline is said to clear your skin and improve focus but it also has the ability to make sober people sound like twats.

It has taken Tom Logan, 34, just two weeks of drinking the water with a higher PH for his friends to no longer take him seriously.

Friend of Tom Logan, Stephen Malley said: “Tom recently told me alkaline water could cure nits and Aids.

“That’s ten Jagerbombs level bullshit.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Alkaline water is just slightly knobbed around water but it does has a magic ingredient; it’s endorsed by Beyonce.

“She could say she gets better sleep by sitting on a turnip and people would believe it, which makes it more potent than Tequila.”

Bullshit alkaline water drinker Tom Logan said: “I have improved circulation, thicker hair and I can communicate with dogs. The pugs are very funny. It’s incredible stuff.”