A MAN has made such a pretentious faff of tuning a guitar before playing it that his girlfriend can feel the life force seeping out of her.
Martin Bishop, 29, invited Helen Archer back to his place for a nightcap, before casually picking up his acoustic guitar and ruining the whole evening for both of them.
Archer said: “I thought we were going back for a shag, so initially I was prepared to indulge him if he wanted to wank his way through Don’t Look Back In Anger first.
“Unfortunately we didn’t get that far because he spent a very long time tuning it with an expression of such tortured concentration that I couldn’t help but imagine him on the toilet trying to squeeze out an exceptionally reluctant shit.
“I stopped fancying him after about fifteen minutes and wanted to garrotte myself with one of his guitar strings not long after that, so it’s fair to say that I don’t see things working out well for us.”
Bishop said: “Helen was so overwhelmed by my incredible musicianship that she left before I’d even played a song.”
“I haven’t heard from her since so she must still be recovering.”