Woman who married wrong man distinctly remembers leaving pause in ceremony for friends to say so

A WOMAN who married an idiot has asked her friends why they said nothing even though the ceremony included a clear invitation to speak out. 

Helen Archer, who is now divorcing the dickhead, has confronted attendees of the wedding asking why if they knew all along they failed to say so during the slot allotted for same.

She continued: “You remember. It was hard to miss. ‘Speak now, or forever hold your peace’?

“And despite you all telling me now you knew he was a twat, I don’t remember a chorus of voices ‘speaking now’ at that point. I remember a whole fucking lot of ‘holding your peace’.

“Yes it would have been inconvenient in the short term, but I wouldn’t be going through divorce proceedings now. But instead you ignored the explicit instructions of the vicar, representing God, and condemned me to marry an arsehole.”

Officiating vicar the Reverend Nathan Muir said: “I left the pause for ten seconds longer than I usually do, in the hope. I mean you only had to look at the man.”

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BMW driver seen pissing across two urinals

A MAN who owns a BMW somehow managed to take up two urinals, it has emerged.

Investment banker Nathan Muir was seen standing between two urinals in a Toby Carvery, alternately using both and preventing anyone else from relieving themselves.

Witness Tom Booker said: “He cut in front of me on the way to the bathroom, and gave me the finger as he went through the door.

“I realised then it was his BMW taking up two spaces in the car park.

“When I got in there he was standing with legs spread between the only two urinals. There was quite an unpleasant mess. After he finished he pushed past me and flicked me the Vs this time.”

Upon completing his piss, Muir retired to the restaurant where he was seen taking up a table for eight, before driving to his next meeting using most of the road.

Muir said: “Yeah I did that, and I’d do it again. I like to behave in pedestrian life as I behave on the road. It’s just how I am – a fuck of a lot more important than you.”