Woman who wanted boyfriend to express his feelings wishing he would stop now

A WOMAN who encouraged her boyfriend to talk about his feelings wishes he would stop now as she is trying to watch EastEnders, it has emerged.

Emma Bradford was concerned that Jack Browne was bottling things up and persuaded him to express himself, but did not anticipate that he would not want to shut the f**k up again.

Bradford said: “I’ve learned to be emotionally literate through reading hundreds of self-help manuals, but the only book Jack has read is Bravo Two Zero, and there isn’t much about reflecting on your feelings in that.

“So I asked him to tell me his hopes, fears and dreams, and talk about his childhood. And, Christ, did those floodgates open.

“He used to go and play video games while I was watching telly, but now he sits on the sofa with me, wrapped in a blanket and clutching a tissue while explaining how his dad has given him an inferiority complex by loving his sister more.

“I honestly preferred it when he had the emotional intelligence of a pebble. At least I could enjoy the soaps in peace.”

Jack Browne said: “Did I tell you about when my pet fish died and mum flushed him down the loo? Poor Nemo. I’m so sad.”

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What gross illness has your child brought home from nursery this week?

ARE you feeling like shit again and wondering what your toddler has infected you with this week? Probably one of these vile ailments.

Something pukey

If your child actually eats their supper without a fuss for once, chances are that’s the night they’re going to be struck down with a sick bug. Is anything worse than being woken at 3am to find they’ve vommed all over their hair, pyjamas and bedsheets… and now your hair, pyjamas, and bedsheets? Yes – the certain knowledge that you’ve caught the bug yourself. 

Something snotty

Wiping your little one’s nose feels like wrestling a carcass from the mouth of a T-Rex at the best of times. When the snot starts running like the bath you won’t manage to get them to sit in tonight, you may as well just give up. Resign yourself to wearing smears of your child’s snot on the shoulders of all your clothes for the next two to three weeks. 

Something fungal

Small children are as filthy and hygiene-averse as your average farmyard animal so don’t be surprised when you spot yet another unexplained rash on their feet, scalp, toenails or basically bloody anywhere. Smear it in vaseline and hope for the best, but good luck keeping the word ‘fungal’ from putting you off your food for the rest of your day. And don’t forget to wash your hands, or you may soon be suffering from knob rot or similar yourself. 


If you have a mice or bedbug infestation, you get to call a professional exterminator. Yet when your child comes home with nits, you’re expected to do all the hard work yourself: slaughter them, dispose of the bodies, and check for unhatched eggs. And whether or not you actually catch them makes little difference; the thought that lice are busily exploring your scalp will be enough to keep you scratching all day and night.

Nothing at all

The most disconcerting situation of all is when your child comes home with no apparent illness at all. Given they’ve only been healthy for a couple of days in all the years since they started nursery, you’ll go into a tailspin, worrying about how to deal with this alarming catalogue of non-symptoms. And, crucially, how are you going to explain the fact that they’re a moany little shit now you don’t have any illnesses to blame it on?