Yes I breached social distancing guidance, says man caught balls-deep in wife's sister

A MAN caught fully giving it from behind to his sister-in-law has apologised for breaching social distancing guidelines before they are lifted on July 19. 

Nathan Muir was found banging his wife’s sister Ellie Shaw in the living room when his wife returned home early yesterday, and has conceded he should put their details into the NHS app.

He continued: “It’s perfectly fine for members of two different households to mix indoors. That’s been within government guidance since May 17th.

“But what Ellie and I forgot is that social distancing should have been maintained and a couple of windows opened if possible, though to be fair it was a cold day and we’d torn off each other’s clothes.

“Even though I’m double-jabbed Ellie isn’t, because she’s 10 years younger, so going at each other hammer-and-tongs without any attempt to distance at all was irresponsible.

“You are ‘advised to make a personal choice about whether to distance’, but I’m not trying to wriggle out of this. I’m no Cummings. Hands up, I did the wrong thing and I’m sorry.”

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All restrictions must end now, says man who got his second jab yesterday

A MIDDLE aged man who received his second jab yesterday has demanded all lockdown restrictions end immediately. 

Tom Booker, aged 47, received his second dose of AstraZeneca and unrelatedly decided that social distancing should stop, masks should be banned and everything just return to normal.

He said: “It’s about time we stood up to this virus and said ‘No’. No, we won’t live like mole-people. No, we won’t cancel our parties. No, we won’t give in.

“I was telling Simon at the pub and he agreed completely. He’d tear down the barricades himself only he’s got a sore arm after his jab on Wednesday.

“It shouldn’t be older fellas like us doing this. Where are the young ones? They’re not in danger anyway, hardly, but they’re all picky millennials insisting on the Pfizer vaccine. No Dunkirk spirit.

“Why are we letting one tiny virus beat us? It’s on the run now. Boris needs to open up and the consequences be damned. We can take it. I feel the power within me, surging in my blood.”

Son Kayden Booker, aged 17, said: “Okay if we hold on a couple more months, Superman? Fucksake.”