Sarkozy Cuts Lunch Breaks To Eight Hours

FRENCH president-in-waiting Nicolas Sarkozy yesterday unveiled his radical plans for a social revolution in France including a cut in the lunch break from nine to eight hours. 

Restaurants have been told that 'dejeuner' must now consist of a maximum of 12 courses, reduced from 14, excluding petit fours.

Wine consumption by workers with their afternoon meal will be limited to one bottle per person, although there will be no restriction on champagne.

As a result, Mr Sarkozy said, the working day in France will be increased from the current three hours to three-and-a-half.

Mr Sarkozy wasted no time in jetting off on holiday after winning the election saying he would be back to sort out France after a nice long break.

His spokesman said: “Nicolas has been campaigning sometimes two or three days a week, often for over an hour at a time, and frankly is exhausted.

“He needs a few months on the beach to recharge his batteries, but after that he is determined to get France back on its feet and back to work.”

Other changes proposed by Sarkozy include limiting public sector workers to a maximum of 26 strikes a year, none of which must last longer than two weeks, or 'une fortnight', whichever is the shortest.

Showering is also to be increased in frequency from once a month to once a fortnight to combat the nation’s reputation as the Smelly Man of Europe.

All French armoured vehicles are to be fitted with four forward gears and one backward, a complete reversal of the current ratio.

The wave of radical reforms is expected to meet little resistance from the French who are too busy eating lunch  to complain.

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Scotland Marks Start Of National Drinking Season

NATIONAL Drinking Season kicked-off in spectacular fashion over the bank holiday weekend with more than 125,000 arrests and pandemonium across the country.

Scotland is now embarked upon 12 months of vigorous drinking which will attract and repel tourists from every corner of the globe.

National Drinking Season has seen radical changes in recent years including the introduction of table service, an increasing variety of New World wines and a vicious crackdown by the police.

But despite the doom-laden predictions, the banning of happy hour has encouraged an even greater determination to put careers and relationships in jeopardy.

Scots can now look forward to key Drinking Season events including the Glasgow Fair, the Royal Highland Show and Edinburgh's world famous Falling Head-First Down the Playfair Steps contest at the end of October.

Norman MacLean, this year's Grand Commissioner of National Drinking Season, said: "Scots lead the world in their capacity to experiment with exotic liquers, start baffling, pointless arguments and wet themselves in the back of taxis.

"I suppose we could concentrate our energies on economic growth and building efficient, value for money public services, but why bother when you could be down the pub, talking directly out of your arse?"