MOST of the computers, tablets and phones in Britain are emitting puns, all of which are hellish, it has emerged.
Manufacturers have admitted fitting ‘keyboards’ to their products which, according to experts, ‘help total bastards do horrible things with language’.
Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “When the first personal computer was released I said ‘mark my words, this fucker will be used to make puns’.
“When the internet was invented I climbed to the top of a mountain and screamed, ‘fucking puns, everywhere, forever!’.
“And then I sobbed for 20 hours.”
Professor Brubaker has demanded that the PCs, tablets and phones be recalled and fitted with some kind of anti-pun filter, or better still, completely and utterly destroyed.
He added: “Oh no, but then you wouldn’t be able to use Facebook. What a terrible shame.”