STEVE Jobs has announced his intention to trademark the alphabet.
At a state of the art press conference, the overpriced geegaw obergruppenfuhrer pledged to start with the letter ‘a’ and hopes to have all the vowels protected by 2015.
Once all the letters of the alphabet have been secured the company will then move on to punctuation and eventually gain control of all numerals between 0 and 9 and any others that you may be hiding somewhere.
Jobs said: “I© lo©o©k fo©rwa©rd to© the© da©y a©ll se©nte©nce©s lo©o©k li©ke© thi©s.
“The day we copyright the copyright sign is going to be an interesting one and may give us a glimpse into what infinity looks like. Wow.”
Before moving onto vowels, Apple’s first legal battle will be against the unknown composer of the 8th century poem Beowulf in a test case to prove the company has intellectual property rights over the letter ‘f’, most commonly used in the familiar Apple phrases ‘Fuck me, have you seen the price of this fucker?’ and ‘Fucking useless fucking iPhone fiddly fucking thing’.
Copyright expert Wayne Hayes said: “Because the composer of Beowulf is unknown and it is thus ascribed as a folk poem, the entire English-speaking world is jointly and equally the subject of the lawsuit.
“If successful, the company will be able to file for damages against about 440 million people and if anybody tells Apple to ‘fuck off’ they will be liable for three times the damages.”
Jobs confirmed that service of the court papers will be completed via page 28 of the new iTunes user agreement update later today and has advised people to start learning Welsh in preparation for a vowel-free existence.