Attention-seeking weather told to grow-up

BRITAIN’S insecure, attention-seeking climate has been told to get a grip.

The weather followed-up the hysterical heatwave melodrama with a noisy, childish display of thunder and lightning which experts described as ‘pathetic’.

Martin Bishop, from the Met Office, said: “We’re sick of it. I stand on the roof every day, trying to reason with it, but all I get back is infantile sulking or lots of ‘look at me! look at me!’.

“It’s classic, self-absorbed bullshit. Anyway, we’re going to stop doing forecasts, otherwise we’re just giving it what it wants.

“The only way the climate is ever going to change is if we ignore it completely.”

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Israel offers eight-second ceasefire

ISRAEL has reached out to Palestinians with the offer of a ceasefire lasting almost nine seconds.

Under the terms of the agreement Israeli airstrikes and Hamas rockets would end for a full eight Mississippis.

Prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu said: “The periods of non-fatality may be extended if the officer in charge of shelling is finishing his tea or updating Facebook.

“This is clear progress from our previous position, which called for the Palestinian Authority to accept unending shelling on any and all locations. Which was in itself very generous.”

Israel’s ground offensive, launched last night, saw regular periods of street-to-street ceasefire as troops reloaded weapons which had been discharged in an attempt to secure a lasting peace.

Netanyahu said: “How can we make peace when we have no partner for peace – oh look, a bus! Get it! GET IT!”