Irish name pronounced how it’s written

NEW Irish employee Kyla Burns has surprised her colleagues by revealing there are no hidden letters in her name.

Staff at London-based accountants Madeley-Finnegan greeted her warmly, but became visibly nervous when the time came to add her name to the tea and coffee rota.

Colleague Nathan Muir said: “She seemed nice and very genuine, but we got burned last month when Aisling Kelley visited from the Dublin office.

“I’m not accusing every Irish person of smuggling a few extra letters in their name, but that’s exactly how they get away with it.

“So you can imagine our relief when Kyla spelled her name and every single letter could be accounted for – like a proper name.

“After that she really bonded with the rest of the team, apart from being a little offended with our incorrect use of the word ‘crack’.”

Meanwhile, a name badge reading ‘Kaieyloagh Ní Byrnes’ was thrown in the bin moments before Kyla was taken on a tour of the office.

Irish names have been a constant source of irritation to the English since the 19th century, when many Irish families started hoarding extra letters in case of a shortage.


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Sticky Londoners demand hose action

HEAT-crazed Londoners have taken to the streets demanding to be attacked by a water cannon.

An estimated 1.4 million people are setting the city ablaze in the hope of getting some of that sweet hose action pointed their way.

Account director Carolyn Ryan said: “Do you think I want to be looting this carpet shop? I’m a Liberty girl. I just need the police to notice me – and punish me – as quickly as possible.”

Stephen Malley, from Croydon, said: “I’ve smelled so many different people today. It’s too intimate. My nose is going to explode. Meanwhile, everything is so fucking moist.

“Come on, you pig bastards, cannon me. And aim for my burning crotch.”