Average person spends 10 years reading idiots’ opinions online

AN AVERAGE person aged between 25 and 45 has spent a full decade reading the opinions of complete idiots on the internet, researchers have found.

The Institute for Studies found that post-internet generations have wasted between 15 and 50 per cent of their lives reading drivel by cretins who have no idea what they are on about and too stupid to realise.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The sheer number of websites full of opinionated idiots, whether from social media to the Daily Telegraph and Amazon, makes it impossible not to find out what they think about everything from politics to the price of ham.

“We could write novels. We could become surgeons, but instead we squander our finite lifespans learning the entirely predictable opinions of twats on BBC comments.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I could have done a PhD in the five years I spent reading Guardian comments about the 9/11 conspiracy alone.

“And when you factor in the time I’ve pissed away on TripAdvisor reviews it’s so many years off my life I may as well have taken up smoking.”

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Scientists discover homeopaths also make shitty, weak tea

TEA made by homeopaths does not actually contain any active tea ingredients, a study has shown.

Researchers at the World Health Organisation followed two homeopaths around for a day to observe their tea-making habits. Out of respect to the homeopaths no methodology was applied.

Paula Martin, a homeopath, said: “What many people don’t realise is that heavily diluted tea is actually much more potent than ‘mainstream’ tea.

“What I do is, I make a normal cup of tea, then I dilute it by a factor of a hundred, then dilute that solution by a factor of 100 again. I actually can do that up to six times, if someone wants a really strong brew.

“I can’t dilute it any more than that. You’d be awake for days.”

Fellow homeopath, Wayne Hayes, said: “It helps if you bang a leather book on the side of the kettle, to help the water remember what’s been in it.

“Did you know that water has a memory?”