BBC closes loophole for whiny freeloaders

PEOPLE with an absurd sense of entitlement will no longer be able to watch BBC iPlayer for free, the broadcaster has confirmed. 

The broadcaster closed the loophole, which allowed people access to billions of pounds worth of entertainment for free, yesterday after a high-level decision that those people could go fuck themselves.

Craft beer ambassador Tom Booker said: “I don’t own a television, I don’t have a television aerial on the chimney of my house, I don’t even have a house. I’m contemporary.

“So when I’m watching Bake-Off ironically on my MacBook I shouldn’t be liable for any licence fee, because what I am doing is completely different and cooler.

“YouTube’s free, and I don’t see the distinction between high-quality content by a broadcasting organisation which is the envy of the world and blurred smartphone footage of teenagers punching each other’s groins.

“Where does this end? Paying for music?”

A BBC spokesman said: “We’ve got Attenborough, you whiny bitches, so pay up.”