Parents now counting down every millisecond until child returns to school

THE parents of an nine-year-old are spending the last weekend of the summer holidays watching a digital clock count down to 9am on Monday. 

Tom and Clare Logan mounted the clock on the wall on Friday July 22nd and have spent most of the last six weeks, while not playing some interminable game, staring while it counts down to zero.

Clare said: “Of course, it’s been wonderful having little James at home and we’ll miss him when he’s gone. I can’t wait to start.

“We haven’t got any real plans for Monday. Tom’s booked the day off work, there’s a case of prosecco in and about 20 or so other parents are coming round, but mostly the house will feel so empty without his childish screams of rage.

“Needless to say we savour every one of the 3,628,800 seconds we spend with our son. Sometimes it seems longer.

“Still, he has to go to school or we’d be sent to prison. Which we’ve considered.”

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We might be forced to talk to patients, say terrified senior doctors

SENIOR doctors have condemned plans for strike action by junior colleagues because it may lead to them communicating directly with patients. 

Hospital specialists and consultants say that after years of sweeping past beds discussing the suffering as abstract medical problems set by a vexatious examiner, they no longer have the skills to actually speak to them.

Dr Joseph Turner of Northampton said: “I mean, what would one say?

“I would honestly find it less disconcerting to have a chat with an aggressive tumour. At least I’m actually interested in them.

“The juniors can deal with the ‘emotions’ that these patients claim to feel, which don’t show up on their notes. I prefer them anaesthetised. The noise can be distracting.”

Student doctors have agreed that while they are happy to gather in huge groups and stare dumbly into patients’ most private orifices while taking notes, responding to sounds made by the larynx and vocal cords would not be appropriate.