Rowling could be Labour prime minister tomorrow, confirm sane people

A LABOUR Party led by JK Rowling would win an election easily, according to voters who have maintained their grasp on reality. 

Though condemned by Jeremy Corbyn supporters furious at her willingness to engage with the mechanisms of capitalism, the rest of the UK has agreed that she is exactly the kind of left-winger they could actually get behind.

Lifelong Labour member Nikki Hollis said: “I’m not the kind of genius who comes up with Miliband standing next to an obelisk of platitudes but I just feel like a leader with achievements beyond 40 years of impotent opposition might be good.

“Yes, she writes silly books about wizards rather than frivolous early-day motions about freeing Tibet, but she is hugely popular and that is still a bit important when persuading millions of people to vote for you.”

Corbyn supporters have called on Twitter to ban Rowling for being an ideologically-impure Blairite who shows unhealthy signs of wanting to do actual things that might help.

Eleanor Shaw of Islington said: “It’s hard, because I was really invested in her fantasy world before I realised Harry Potter is a Tory.

“But now I’ve just shifted that childish belief in an implausible hero who can defeat insurmountable odds by magic over to Corbyn.”

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Woman unable to decide whether to donate to Syria or the Guardian

A GUARDIAN reader is torn between giving £5 a month to send clothes to Syrian children or a similar amount to ensure she can continue to read the thoughts of Deborah Orr.

Mary Fisher admitted that she is struggling to combine her humanitarian obligations with the need to know what Jonathan Jones thinks about Facebook.

She said: “I’m not sure who needs the money more. On the one hand, this is the biggest refugee crisis since 1945, but on the other hand, quality journalism costs money.

“Of course, I want unaccompanied minors in Calais to have food and medicine. But a world without George Monbiot and Suzanne Moore explaining why something I thought was good is actually bad is not a world I want to live in.”

“I already stopped donating to Oxfam so I could give the money to Wikipedia instead.

“Next they’ll tell me I need to get a license to watch the BBC.”