Best way to fend off shark is to let it swallow you then punch your way out

THE best way to fend off a shark attack is from within the shark, it has been claimed.

Following a British doctor’s claims to have punched one of the huge carnivorous fish, experts confirmed that the best anti-shark strategy is actually to enter its digestive system before fighting back.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We’ve all heard that rubbish about how you’re supposed to punch a shark on the nose. What’s that going to do? This is the savage world of the seas, not pound-a-pint night in a Yeovil nightclub.

“The sensible thing to do if a shark attacks you is to dive head-first into its open maw, taking care not to get snagged on any teeth as you go in.

“Now light a match. You’ll find yourself in the shark’s belly. It may smell a bit.

“Do some light stretching to limber up, then start doing karate kicks and punches again the beast’s stomach wall. Eventually you will burst out in an explosion of blood and guts, shouting ‘I am the lord of the ocean!’.”

“Then you just swim off.”

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Couple decide to stop being friends with people who rent


A COUPLE feel it is time to ‘move on’ from friendships with people who are not homeowners, they have revealed.

After buying a three-bedroom house, Martin Bishop and partner Emma Bradford have agreed that friends who still rent are sad, pathetic figures best consigned to the past.

Bradford said: “We had some great times with renting friends like Ellie, Carl and Tom, but we’ve got a new life now with our own boiler and a garage and they’re not part of that.

“When they talk about their rent going up or their landlord installing new blinds it just doesn’t mean anything to us. I suppose in a way I’m afraid they’re going to drag us down to their level.

“If they’re happy with their sad, limited little world of shared bathrooms and cheap Ikea-style furniture, fine, but there’s a better way to live, with gardening and constant DIY.”

Bishop agreed: “I feel sorry for my renter friends, but if we’ve got other homeowners over for drinks I don’t want them turning up and embarrassing me by not being on the property ladder.

“They all seem so immature to me now I’ve got serious responsibilities like whether to paint the back bedroom Willow Green or Mellow Mocha.”