BMW driver trying to overtake supersonic car

THE Bloodhound rocket car capable of reaching 1,000mph is being tailgated by a man in a BMW 7 series, observers have confirmed. 

Trials of the £45 million Bloodhound in Newquay have been hampered by the BMW driver, who is aggressively flashing his lights and gesturing that it should pull over.

Small business owner and motorist Tom Booker said: “Look at this flash bastard. Oi. Out the fucking way.

“The fins on it. What a joke. Combining a fighter jet, F1 car and space craft? Trying a bit hard, aren’t they? Compensating for something?

“We were all boy racers once but this is 4.4 litres, he’s not going to outrun it. See, he hasn’t even got the balls to put his foot down. All bark no bite.

“I’ll slow down while I’m passing, let him get a look at the alloys. Technically they don’t make me faster, but they should signal to this Bloodhound lad that he’s out of his depth.

“Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. He hasn’t even got a leather interior. Oh, now I just feel bad.”

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Father of small children mysteriously takes 45 minutes in bathroom at weekends

A FATHER-OF-TWO able to complete a trip to the bathroom in under five minutes during the week inexplicably needs three-quarters of an hour at weekends.

Stephen Malley of Uttoxeter has offered no explanation as to the discrepancy, despite repeated questioning from his eight-year-old and four-year-old as to ‘where Daddy has gone’.

Wife Deborah said: “He’s in and out during the week. But on a Saturday, usually around 11.15am when they’re building to a frenzy, he suddenly vanishes. With a cup of tea and his iPad.

“And then he’s in there, deaf to all our cries, for a good three-quarters of an hour, emerging smartly with his business concluded just in time for Football Focus.”

She added: “It’s a flagrant leisure poo and he knows it. The fucker.”