No manager fit to manage any Premier League side

NO FOOTBALL manager in the world is capable of managing any club in England’s top-flight to the standard required, fans have confirmed. 

The millions that England’s top 20 teams earn from TV deals means they are all potential worldbeaters only let down by the men in the dugouts who are repeatedly proving unfit to lead them.

Football writer Tom Logan said: “Year in, year out, we’re seeing the same thing. Despite all the investment every team bar one is falling short, and it’s the managers to blame.

“Just look at the so-called elite. Klopp? Should be managing a Krautrock band. Mourinho? A specialist in the nil-nil away draw. Pochettino? Guardiola? Their win-loss ratios aren’t much better than men in flat caps in the 1950s.

“Across Europe it’s no better. Zidane? A gormless monkhead. Ancelotti? Open a pizzeria, already. There’s not a manager on the planet up to the job.

“We need to plough government funding into artificial intelligence. Quantum managers capable of trillions of tactical calculations in a nanosecond. It’s what Stoke and West Brom deserve.”


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University of Life strongly biased towards Brexit

THE syllabus at the University of Life is strongly biased towards Brexit, according to anyone who has ever met a graduate. 

Former students at the university, who include the majority of builders, tradesmen and delivery drivers, admitted that teaching was heavily weighted towards leaving the EU based on its academic principles of plain common sense.

Plasterer Wayne Hayes said: “The problem is that, with the intellectual rigour I’ve been tutored to bring to the situation, there just isn’t a case for remain.

“The EU need us more than we need them, they’re not gonna lose all those prosecco and BMW sales, call their bluff and they’ll fold. Honestly mate, the whole course took 15 minutes.

“And it’s supported by everything you learn in the other modules, like History and Why We Won It, Britain: Best At Inventing, and Shakespeare The Geezer. 

“You can’t really call it bias. What it is, right, is facts.”