Bono To Create Black Hole Of Awfulness

NATO was on full alert last night after pop-shouter Bono threatened to read a 14-minute poem about Elvis on Radio Four.

Scientists warned the tax-efficient Irishman's performance risked tearing a potentially cataclysmic hole in the space-time-dreadfulness continuum.

Entertainment physicist Dr Roy Hobbs said: "The sheer density of po-faced twatishness could strain the boundaries of reality and we could be sucked into a parallel universe where Bono reading out his doggerel on national radio is considered sensible."

Hobbs is working with NATO to avert the disaster by releasing controlled stanzas deep under the Atlantic Ocean. He added: "Listen to this -'You wore a white jumpsuit and feasted on squirrels – As far as I know you never gigged in the Wirral'."

"If that is read out over the airwaves in Bono's unbearbably laid-back yet excruciatingly earnest voice, thousands will die."

The poem, entitled You Were From Memphis, And So Wasn't Jesus was written by Bono in 1994 without any apparent provocation.

Broadcasting regulator Ofcom said Radio Four's decision to air it in full was, 'as reckless as using a threshing machine to brush your teeth'.

Bonologist Dr Wayne Hayes said: "When he did that lyric about a mole digging in a hole, that was pretty bad. But now, with this, he has become death… the destroyer of worlds."

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Git Named

THIS year's Git has been confirmed as 34 year-old Ben Southall from Hampshire.

Southall now gets £75,000 for living in a luxury villa on a tropical island and spending his sun-drenched days snorkelling in the crystal clear waters of the Great Barrier Reef like a right fucking git.

His new employers, the Queensland Tourist Office, said his only task will be to write a daily blog about what an utterly amazing time he is having for no other reason than to rub our fucking noses in it.

Speaking from behind an enormous, shit-eating grin, he said: "Oh, I'm sorry, do you not get seventy five grand to swan about in your trunks all day and eat freshly caught barbecued prawns in your hot tub? It must be me then."

Southall was congratulated by previous Gits including George Clooney, Richard Branson and Lewis Hamilton.

Clooney said: "The first thing a new Git has to do is organise an efficient way of ferrying the boat-loads of bikini-clad nymphomaniacs back and forth from the mainland.

"But he is going to have to keep in shape, because as soon as he gets off that island a lot of people are going to want to kick the absolute hell out of him."

Tom Logan, Southall's best friend since childhood and the recipient of one of his kidneys, said: "I genuinely hope that fucking island is teeming with gigantic, poisonous snakes and you get bitten in half by a Great White shark, you bastarding, git-faced git."