Brexit definitely going to happen, says Michael Fish

FORMER TV weatherman Michael Fish has confirmed that Brexit is going well and will definitely happen.

Fish made the comments in response to a phone call from a lady in Wales who claimed it was all a right shambles and Britain would never leave the EU.

He said: “There’s no two ways about it. Re-mortgage the house and bet all the money on it. Brexit. Going. To. Happen.

“I’d stake my reputation as a man who knows when things definitely will or won’t happen on it.”

As well as confirming that Brexit will be a success, Fish added that Everton manager Ronald Koeman won’t be sacked before Christmas, Boris Johnson won’t say anything ignorant ever again and Ghost in the Shell is a good film.

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Kid makes it from sofa to living room door without falling into the lava

A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD boy has managed to get from sofa to door without touching the living room floor, which was lava full of sharks.

Nathan Muir of Bedford completed his potentially deadly journey just in time for tea yesterday evening.

He said: “When I saw that the floor had became hot molten lava filled with sharks and crocodiles I knew it was going to take something special to get out of there alive.

“My first move was to  climb off the sofa onto the coffee table, taking care not to put a hand on the floor otherwise it would get melted or bitten off. Then I had just cross my fingers and jump for the door.

“I knew that we were having lasagne for dinner that night so the lava, which also had pirates in it, wasn’t going to stop me.”

However Muir knocked over a glass of Ribena during the perilous mission, leaving a stain on the carpet for which he later got bollocked.