Careless USB removal causes multiple deaths

EIGHTEEN workers have died after a USB stick was removed from a computer without adequate precautions.

The offices of Hereford-based Envision Photography were completely destroyed in the ensuing blast.

Survivor Norman Steele said: “My colleague Helen had put some files on the stick to work on at home, and she yanked it out of the computer before anyone could scream ‘no’.

“I kicked her aside as a jet of white-hot flame belched out of the USB port and set fire to the desk opposite.

“Grabbing her, I dived through the window just before all the PCs in the network exploded with purple electricity that fried everyone in the building.

“I sprinted to my car, knowing that the printers were already becoming merciless hunter-killer drones, shouting for Helen to follow.

“But when I looked round I saw her frozen, something glowing in her hand, the awareness dawning of her fate. She was still holding the USB.

“She detonated in a flash of ultraviolet light that turned everything in a four-metre radius into radioactive ash and left me with first-degree burns across my whole body.”

A spokesman for the Fire Service said: “Every year, more than 18,000 people in the UK are killed by unsafely removed USB sticks.

“And you must never, ever, shut down when programs are still running.”

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Football confirmed as a team sport

WINNING at football requires eleven good players, experts have confirmed.

After Germany lifted the World Cup by having a team’s-worth of people behaving as a collective, coaches have been asked to focus on more than one person at a time.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “Received wisdom suggested that Argentina would win ‘because Messi’, but he didn’t have the ball for 98 per cent of the time so that didn’t really work.

“Predictions that he would play keepy-up for ten minutes before hitting a 40-yard thunderbolt into the top corner of the net using his penis now seem a little unrealistic.”

Suspicions that football victory requires more than just one player were raised when Brazil lost 7-1 by repeatedly passing the ball to Neymar despite him not being on the pitch.

Earlier in the tournament England showed the shortcomings of the individual-based strategy when the one player you’re relying on is awful.

The German model will be copied by the FA, which hopes to develop a generation of players that are vaguely aware of other humans on the pitch.