Relief as easily-stereotyped nation wins World Cup

FOOTBALL fans and pundits have expressed relief that World Cup discussion can focus on joyless efficiency.

29-year-old soccer fanatic Tom Logan said: “The Argentinian national character is hard to summarise, which is very unhelpful when trying to sound clever in the pub.

“You know where you stand with the Germans. They’re emotionless, keen on engineering and probably about to invade somewhere despite pretending to be cool now.

“Also you have to have a sort of grudging respect for them.”

Football journalist Julian Cook said: “I’ll probably write a piece comparing the German victory to an Audi gliding down an autobahn to a sausage festival. And I’ll definitely crowbar Kraftwerk and sauerkraut into it.

“Thank God I don’t have to waste precious minutes googling facts about the Falklands.”

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Celebrities avoided giving cash to Tories

MILLIONAIRES who tried to avoid donating to the Conservative party are to be hit with punitive tax bills.

The culprits, many of them celebrities, were informed of their duty to give a percentage of their income to the Tories but repeatedly failed to do so.

A government spokesman said: “No matter what your personal political views may be, if you want to avoid paying tax then you need to donate to us.

“Yes, it’s a significant amount of the money you’ve earned, but that money goes to paying for things like party political conferences and leaflet campaigns that we all benefit from.”

Celebrities including the Arctic Monkeys and George Michael have been named and shamed for failing to meet their civic responsibility to bung a few quid the Tories’ way.

Builder Stephen Malley said: “When I want to flout regulations I have to pay off my local councillor, just like everyone else.

“These people think they’re above the law.”