Bank machines to squirt beer

A NEW type of bank machine that knows users’ habits will squirt lager directly into their mouths.

Instead of choosing an amount of cash to withdraw, the consumer presses the ‘favourite’ button. Money will be debited from their account, but what happens next will depend on their spending habits.

Cashpoint developer Bill McKay explained: “Many users will be rewarded with a torrent of beer pumped directly at their faces, removing the need to walk to a pub.

“Those with a sweet tooth will receive chocolate coins, while fried food lovers will be blasted with chicken nuggets.

“The machine uses club and debit card data but also recognises jowls, eye bags and stubble as indicators of what you want.”

“It’s a particularly good innovation for scratchcard fans. Instead of having to visit the post office, they will receive a tiny fraction of the cash amount debited from their accounts.

“This comes with a note saying “Well done, you won something.”

McKay added: “If you spend a lot on prostitutes, by all means use our highly versatile machines, but you might want to choose one in a discreet location.”



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MPs open ‘House of Showbiz’

A THIRD house of Parliament dedicated to showbiz and razzle-dazzle has been unveiled.

The new chamber combines a theatre space,  TV production facilities and ‘tropical-themed VIP autograph lounge’.

Project leader Nadine Dorries promises a range of entertainment output, although George Galloway’s propsoal to ‘do some porno’ with Rula Lenska has been ruled out.

She said: “A House of Showbiz would let us get famous on our our terms, instead of going on I’m a Celebrity to drink crocodile spunk.

“We’ve already had a lot of interest in our talent show format, Prime MiniSTARS. Theresa May will perform as Roxy from Chicago, and Austin Mitchell claims he can play the spoons.

“There’ll also be a panel show, Parliamentalists, where MPs who think they’re funny get completely out of their depth when surrounded by professional comedians.

“In the pilot, David Cameron laughs along pathetically while Frankie Boyle asks if he’d like to be fisted by Benjamin Disraeli.”

Dorries explained that MPs were particularly attracted to the possibility of multiple, open-access TV channels that allowed them to talk, uninterrupted, about themselves for an unlimited period of time.

She said: “The whole idea of a showbiz chamber has really caught MPs’ imaginations. Who’d have thought Frank Field would want to put on his own one-man version of Cabaret?”

A number of former MPs are currently lobbying to be given seats in the third chamber, with Lembit Opik and Edwina Currie offering to do ‘literally anything’, including snuff.