Charity launches National Smartphone Day

A CHARITY has launched a special day to raise awareness about underused smartphones.

There is growing concern that people could neglect their phones in favour of playing sports, going to art galleries and conducting face-to-face conversations.

Martin Bishop, director of the charity the Mobile Operators Association, said: “Just for one day, instead of visiting an old friend or relative, why not send them a text instead?

“Or, rather than taking part in some dreary community gardening project, why not sit indoors, draw the curtains and play Minecraft? It’s great exercise for the fingertips and teaches you what to do in the event of a cyber-monster attack.”

On April 22nd next year, the charity will stage events in libraries and community centres across the country, including Instagram workshops and counselling for people with only 20 minutes of battery left.

Bishop added: “We want as many people as possible to check the temperature in Denver, Colorado because you can and you’re bored, or leave a comment about the Global Jewish Conspiracy underneath a Beyonce video on YouTube.”

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Teacher recruitment crisis linked to millions of little bastards

SCHOOLS are struggling to fill teaching posts because the job involves being in the same room as children.

The National Union of Teachers revealed many positions are being covered by temps because of a massive increase in pupils who answer every question with ‘go and suck your mum’.

An NUT spokesman said: “Instilling a thirst for learning in a young mind is a wonderful thing as long the young mind does not belong to some ghastly little shit.”

The union has asked the government whether new incentives can be offered to entice people into the profession, including elite ‘super-schools’ with state-of-the-art, completely empty classrooms.

English teacher Anne Thompson said: “I get through the day by the thought of locking one of them in a stationery cupboard that I’ve filled with bees.”

Meanwhile, the NUT confirmed the shortage is particularly high in maths and science subjects, due to the propensity for adolescents to act the prick when they get bored.