Community of lost Christmas shoppers discovered in Westfield

A WRETCHED group of last year’s Christmas shoppers has been found wandering London’s Westfield centre.

The group was rescued after one of them bumped into his wife, having lost contact with her outside Top Shop in early December 2014.

Tom Logan said: “I met other cursed souls and we would wander together and in the evenings talk of the Old World, the land beyond Accessorize. We survived on nothing but vastly overpriced ‘street food’.”

Logan’s wife Jane said: “At first I assumed he would find his way home after a couple of weeks. I’ve been coming here every few months on the off chance I would find him, but I’d pretty much given up hope.”

While Logan was initially desperate to return home, he changed his mind when Jane told him the date.

He added: “Seeing as I’m here we may as well make a start on this year’s Christmas shopping.

“It is convenient to have everything under one roof after all.”

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28-year-old asks when she can stop pretending to like nightclubs

A 28-YEAR-OLD woman has asked how many more years she has to spend pretending to like nightclubs.

Francesca Johnson of Brighton has been feigning pleasure at being in hot, deafening basements filled with aggressive drunks for a decade, and fears there may be another decade to go. 

She said: “The night always begins somewhere pleasant – cocktails, dressed up, big mirrors and fancy chairs – but I don’t understand why it has to end with a literal descent to a red-lit hell. 

“It’s like a parable about the dangers of alcohol where if you don’t stop drinking early, you’ll end up queuing for 40 minutes for a piss while men in polo shirts grind up against you to the sound of David Guetta. 

“Drugs make it bearable, but I can tell nobody’s enjoying this any more than I am. Why can’t we just stop?”

Johnson added: “Oh, I get it. This is why people have babies.”