Country that produced Brunel to be partially submerged

BRITAIN is to celebrate the legacy of Isambard Kingdom Brunel by deciding which parts of it should be permanently under water.

Prime minister David Cameron said the country faced ‘an exciting 21st Century choice’ between flooding either its farmland or its towns.

He added: “Britain invented steam power, the jet engine and the internet. I am certain that we will not only choose the right areas to be submerged but that we will submerge those areas brilliantly.

“And those areas that will be permanently under water need not be abandoned because we also invented the hovercraft.

“So you can still live on the top floor of your house, you just won’t have a garden. Which means you’ll have even more time to watch television. Which we also invented.”

Mr Cameron then put on a stovepipe hat and began singing Rule Britannia at the top of his voice.

Meanwhile, engineers said that making sure half the country was always flooded would be ‘relatively straightforward’ as long as everyone continues to ignore them.

Jane Thompson, from Roehampton University, said: “Luckily the technology for ignoring engineers is already available.”

Martin Bishop, from the area formerly known as Somerset, added: “I’m no Isambard Kingdom Brunel but could we maybe get some more pumps.”


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Speed cameras 'better than tax'

THE government is being encouraged to use speed cameras as a revenue stream, because that would be better than paying tax.

Motoring groups have responded angrily to plans for speed cameras on motorways, claiming they are more about raising funds than road safety.

However Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, believes the ‘revenue stream’ thing is actually a really good idea.

He said: “Speed limits are actually not utterly ridiculous, because history shows us than when fast-moving vehicles collide the people inside them tend to die.

“And the getting charged loads of money for breaking speed limits does discourage one from doing so, unless you are very rich or a moron.

“At the same time, paying taxes is really quite galling.

“As nobody has to drive fast except ambulances or people fleeing crime scenes – it just happens to be fun – why not have absolutely shitloads of speed cameras everywhere instead of having tax?

“It’d be like a ‘pay-to-play’ system for boy racers and people with company cars.

“You could do a similar thing with CCTV for people who drop litter. You can say it’s Orwellian if you like but what if it meant no council tax?

“You’d soon shut up about your civil liberties then.”

Anti-speed camera campaigner Roy Hobbs said: “I rather wish I hadn’t mentioned it now.”