Dad wishes daughter happy birthday via LinkedIn

A FATHER who cannot tell the difference between LinkedIn and Facebook has sent his daughter a touching birthday message she will never read. 

58-year-old Tom Logan, considered a social media expert by his peers for being the first one on Friends Reunited, also endorsed a number of his daughter’s featured skills as a little birthday treat.

Daughter Joanne said: “A week after my birthday he asked why I hadn’t replied to his message, and I realised it had happened again.

“I explained last year that I don’t use LinkedIn, that nobody uses LinkedIn, and that the only reason I still have a profile on LinkedIn is that removing tattoos is easier, and he said it was a lovely message and I should read it.

“I can’t even remember my login details, and I had to abandon the email address LinkedIn’s registered with because of the constant invitations to digital leadership webinars.

“The elderly shouldn’t be allowed to use social media. I miss the days when they at least phoned you up and were fucking annoying in person, rather than through a computer.”


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Clothes enter fifth day in washing machine

A WOMAN’S clothes have entered their fifth day trapped in the washing machine with no escape in sight. 

The mixed wash, comprising tops, leggings, two pairs of jeans and underwear, finished their one-hour wash over 118 hours ago and fear they may have been forgotten. 

Pyjama top Helen Archer said: “It’s never been this long before. We could be in real danger. 

“She’s around – we can see her walking about through the porthole – but she seems oblivious to the fact that we’re in here, soaking, cold. 

“There’s a pair of knickers that are delicates, and we’ve been trying to keep them going but I honestly don’t know if they’ll last another night. 

“Please. The purple top says it used to be your favourite. Remember us.” 

Owner Susan Traherne said: “Shit, is that washing still in? It’ll stink like old leaves by now, I’ll put it on again. 

“Oh, I forgot I’m away for the weekend.”