Dipping headlights is for losers, claims git

A MAN who does not dip his headlights thinks he is a master of the universe rather than the worst person the world, it has been confirmed.

Bastard Tom Logan has not dipped his headlights since he passed his test 20 years ago, believing that allowing oncoming motorists to drive without being blinded is for ‘ordinary people’.

Logan said: “I drive a Volvo XC90 so my glorious full beam is at just the right height.

“I like to drive around in the dark even if I have nowhere to go. I want people to know I’m out there, filling the world with light.

“I absolutely love driving right behind someone with my lights on full beam. I fill their car with a golden glow. They must feel as if they are in the presence of a god.

“But then, for some reason, they slow right down and even put their hazards on. It’s incredibly selfish and rude.”

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Man sickened by the very thought of December

A MAN is filled with dread at the thought of a month filled with tortuous social situations.

Martin Bishop is experiencing horror and nausea as he prepares a series of events involving co-workers, clients, extended family and, worst of all, his neighbours.

Bishop said: “Jesus got nailed to a cross but it was over in an afternoon. How would he have coped with 31 days of lukewarm wine, manky little pies and stilted conversations?

“For the next month, I have to be ‘nice’ because there’s a sparkly tree in the corner of the room.”

Bishop added: “This year, instead of pretending to be interested in anything anyone has to say, I’ll just say exactly what I think.

“It will mean that next Christmas I’ll be unemployed, living in a tent on a windy Welsh hillside and be completely on my own.

“I cannot wait.”