Don't read the article: How to write a moronic internet comment

DO you feel compelled to share your gormless thoughts online? Here’s how to sound like the thousands of morons found in the average comments section.

Don’t read the article

Scrolling past the actual article is the quickest way to leave a stupid comment. Don’t even read the headline, just start hammering your keyboard. It’s like joining friends in a pub, not finding out what they’re talking about, and starting a totally random conversation about anal polyps or Top Cat.

Bring up the Nazis

It’s only a matter of time until the Nazis appear in the comments, so mention them at the earliest possible opportunity. Don’t even try to weave them into what the article’s about. An explanation of Albert Speer’s vision for Berlin posted under the Guardian’s blind date will do the job nicely.

Distort the content to be offended

The article may have been written by a professional journalist and checked by an editor, but there’s always room to misinterpret the facts if you wilfully distort them. Everyone will call you a hopelessly misinformed idiot, but as such there’s a slim chance you’ll get a gig with the BBC to provide ‘balance’. 

Disregard spelling and punctuation

Using ‘their’ instead of ‘they’re’ and playing fast and loose with full stops are the oldest tricks in the moronic comment playbook. If you want to stand out from the crowd though, have the audacity to correct someone else’s grammar and spelling by saying ‘Your wrong their’.

Believe your comment is very important

If you regularly add your thoughts to internet articles you’re slightly mad anyway, so take the whole thing incredibly seriously. Whatever you type will be ludicrous because you’re futilely trying to make a serious point with ranting nutters, and possibly comments written by an algorithm.

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The gammon's made-up guide to diversity training

THE BBC is currently encouraging all its staff to take part in diversity training. Here gammon Roy Hobbs imagines what this will involve and explains why it is an outrage.

Making you think you’re prejudiced

Overcoming ‘unconscious bias’ all sounds very nice, but what if you’re prejudiced against someone and you’re right? I’ve never liked the look of them in the corner shop, and it turns out a Dr Oetker Hawaiian pizza is 45p more than in Asda. Bloody crooks.

Employing 50 per cent gays

I haven’t studied diversity training in detail, but I’m pretty sure they’ll want equal numbers of gays. So that means 50 per cent of BBC programmes will be gay. I pay my licence fee for heterosexual documentaries about Bomber Harris, not Graham Norton interviewing Liberace every night.

Not being able to compliment a lady

This is probably the first thing they study. You won’t be able to say “Your hair’s looking nice, Janie”. Instead you’ll learn to say, “I respect your autonomous hairstyling decisions, equally valid non-gender-specific human.” I actually believe this.

Making you ashamed to be a white male

There’s good and bad in all types, I say. So let’s not not judge people by their skin colour. Although white people never did anything as bad as Idi Amin, the WW2 Japanese, or the Candyman. Me and the wife had to turn that off.

Gender bending 

I can see it now, normal blokes like me would have to wear dresses while Boy George and Grayson Perry make us plait each other’s hair and play with dolls. This sort of ridiculous political correctness is going to set diversity back by decades. Although I have wondered what it’s like to wear a dress. Maybe when my wife’s out.

The ‘disabled’ scam is real

Yes, there are a few real disableds, but they’re mostly wheelchair frauds who just want the parking spaces. It’s lucky there are people like me who aren’t taken in, and don’t need any of this ‘consciousness-raising’ nonsense.