Thursday, 15th April 2021

Don't read the article: How to write a moronic internet comment

DO you feel compelled to share your gormless thoughts online? Here’s how to sound like the thousands of morons found in the average comments section.

Don’t read the article

Scrolling past the actual article is the quickest way to leave a stupid comment. Don’t even read the headline, just start hammering your keyboard. It’s like joining friends in a pub, not finding out what they’re talking about, and starting a totally random conversation about anal polyps or Top Cat.

Bring up the Nazis

It’s only a matter of time until the Nazis appear in the comments, so mention them at the earliest possible opportunity. Don’t even try to weave them into what the article’s about. An explanation of Albert Speer’s vision for Berlin posted under the Guardian’s blind date will do the job nicely.

Distort the content to be offended

The article may have been written by a professional journalist and checked by an editor, but there’s always room to misinterpret the facts if you wilfully distort them. Everyone will call you a hopelessly misinformed idiot, but as such there’s a slim chance you’ll get a gig with the BBC to provide ‘balance’. 

Disregard spelling and punctuation

Using ‘their’ instead of ‘they’re’ and playing fast and loose with full stops are the oldest tricks in the moronic comment playbook. If you want to stand out from the crowd though, have the audacity to correct someone else’s grammar and spelling by saying ‘Your wrong their’.

Believe your comment is very important

If you regularly add your thoughts to internet articles you’re slightly mad anyway, so take the whole thing incredibly seriously. Whatever you type will be ludicrous because you’re futilely trying to make a serious point with ranting nutters, and possibly comments written by an algorithm.