DVD still not working despite being wiped on man's trouser leg 

A DVD is still not working despite the owner wiping it on his jeans before putting it back into the machine.

Tom Logan was watching a DVD of Ex Machina with friends last night when the disc began to skip before mysteriously stopping altogether.

Logan said, “I don’t understand it. I wiped it on my trouser leg thoroughly. The wiping obviously didn’t lift off the scratches on the disc but I don’t see why that would matter.

“I blew in the DVD player too, thus meaning that any stray hairs that might have found their way directly underneath the laser inside the machine would be moved.

“I’m totally stumped.”

Logan’s friend Nikki Hollis added: “Why the fuck haven’t you got Netflix yet?”

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White supremacists ‘commemorate the past’ by living with their parents

WHITE supremacists are ‘commemorating the past’ by refusing to leave their parents’ basements.

Jake O’Brien, who describes himself as ‘alt-right’ said: “To move out of my parents’ place would just be rewriting history.

“There’s no denying that I lived here as a child, and to leave would basically be suggesting I was never here. It’s the same reason I still play Dungeons and Dragons and wet the bed.

“I do it to honour the brave man and woman who raised me.”

Jake’s father, Don O’Brien, said: “Sure it’d be nice if Jake moved out and got his own place, but he won’t let us change anything about his childhood room, out of ‘respect’.

“Once I floated the idea of making his bedroom into a home office, and he staged a massive protest. Took all the tiki torches from the yard. Now we have our barbeques in the dark.”

Jake’s mother, Maureen O’Brien, said: “My Jake isn’t racist, he’s just really nostalgic. He still makes me check under the bed for Jews. Adorable!”