Dyson invents poncey new wheel

JAMES Dyson has reinvented the wheel to make it incredibly expensive with lots of unnecessary features.

After launching a £299 hair dryer, the entrepreneur has turned his attention to the circular transportation device that has remained fundamentally unchanged for millennia.

Dyson said: “My new wheel utilises revolutionary WaveFlow technology to circulate air through the surrounding area via omni-directional voice-activated nozzles.

“A series of microprocessors gives precise temperature control, while a satellite uplink allows you to send and receive data from your wheel anywhere on Earth, even underwater.

“We decided against traditional wheel materials such as steel or rubber, instead opting for platinum and a long-lasting plutonium battery.

“This makes it relatively expensive at £34,999.95, but it’s perfect for anyone who wants a professional-quality wheel that will go round literally thousands of times with no loss of performance.”

Dyson wheel owner Tom Logan said: “The only problem was when I attached it to a small cart to transport some light objects. Then it broke.”

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80s Neighbours fan regularly watched same episode twice in a day

A MAN would regularly watch the same Neighbours episode twice in a day during the 1980s, he has revealed.

As it emerged that the soap could disappear from British TV, 41-year-old Wayne Hayes recalled how he used to watch the day’s episode twice, once when it was broadcast in the early afternoon and then again at half five, because he had no other commitments.

Hayes said: “It was a golden era, both in terms of Neighbours and my life. We’re talking Scott and Charlene, Mike and Jane, and those twin sisters where one was way hotter than the other despite them being physically identical.

“Later when I became a student, I would get up in time to enjoy some Shreddies while watching the lunchtime Neighbours, then go to the shop and dick around a bit until the exact same episode came back on. I then did pretty much the same thing while on the dole.

“I saw Jim Robinson die twice in the space of five hours, which was pretty affecting, and I vaguely remember a girl called Cody who was about 17 but had the voice of a 64-year-old truck driver.”

He added: “Haven’t watched it for years now, but I’ve heard that these days it’s basically porn.”