Dyson invents poncey new wheel

JAMES Dyson has reinvented the wheel to make it incredibly expensive with lots of unnecessary features.

After launching a £299 hair dryer, the entrepreneur has turned his attention to the circular transportation device that has remained fundamentally unchanged for millennia.

Dyson said: “My new wheel utilises revolutionary WaveFlow technology to circulate air through the surrounding area via omni-directional voice-activated nozzles.

“A series of microprocessors gives precise temperature control, while a satellite uplink allows you to send and receive data from your wheel anywhere on Earth, even underwater.

“We decided against traditional wheel materials such as steel or rubber, instead opting for platinum and a long-lasting plutonium battery.

“This makes it relatively expensive at £34,999.95, but it’s perfect for anyone who wants a professional-quality wheel that will go round literally thousands of times with no loss of performance.”

Dyson wheel owner Tom Logan said: “The only problem was when I attached it to a small cart to transport some light objects. Then it broke.”