ALL people in positions of responsibility are untrustworthy pieces of shit who have made it their life's mission to shaft you, according to new research.
The latest report from the Iain Rowntree Foundation found that everyone is now lying to you and trying to steal your money from the moment they get out of bed.
According to the two year study:
- Most sporting events have been fixed up to a decade in advance and most athletes are teeming with illegal buffalo hormones.
- Television is a lie from start to finish and BBC bosses are achieving intense sexual gratification from concocting elaborate multi-million pound deceptions.
- More people are now willing to believe in the Immaculate Conception than in advertised broadband speeds.
- Newspaper editors would rather publish something tedious as long as it was complete fiction.
- Banks are charging £35 for sending you a letter to tell you they've charged you £35 for going overdrawn and then charging you another £35 for going even further overdrawn because of the original £35 charge for going overdrawn.
- Dan Brown is now regarded as the most trustworthy figure in public life.
Researcher Dr Wayne Hayes said: "From our analysis of the available evidence everyone is now lying through their teeth all the time.
"For instance, we discovered that the only genuine competition left in international sports is between the rival betting syndicates who are trying to fix everything."
He added: "In a surprising turnaround politicians are now seen as among the most trustworthy figures in public life.
"This is somewhat ironic as they're actually a bunch of lying cunts."