WEARING purple and brown together, especially with sideburns, is to be outlawed from next April, the government announced last night.
Justice secretary Jack Straw said outfits which incite hatred have no place in British society, adding that beige made him look fat.
Mr Straw told MPs: "I'm feeling so chunky today. Do you think I'd suit a pencil moustache? What if I dyed my eyebrows a different colour?"
He added: "I'll tell you what, these M&Ms are going straight to my thighs. Joaquim will be very upset. I could be in for quite a spanking."
The Justice department is to outline a new raft of hate crimes, the majority designed to protect men who were not good at PE.
From next year it will be illegal to use words such as 'speccy', 'fatty', 'nancy' and 'Christopher Biggins'.
Mr Straw said: "I want everyone to just stop being so bitchy, OK?"
He then dismissed shadow home secretary David Davis as 'a pig in knickers' before heading to an all-night Ugly Betty party in Soho.