'I'll Tell You What's A Hate Crime - That Outfit,' Says Straw

WEARING purple and brown together, especially with sideburns, is to be outlawed from next April, the government announced last night.

Justice secretary Jack Straw said outfits which incite hatred have no place in British society, adding that beige made him look fat.

Mr Straw told MPs: "I'm feeling so chunky today. Do you think I'd suit a pencil moustache? What if I dyed my eyebrows a different colour?"

He added: "I'll tell you what, these M&Ms are going straight to my thighs. Joaquim will be very upset. I could be in for quite a spanking."

The Justice department is to outline a new raft of hate crimes, the majority designed to protect men who were not good at PE.

From next year it will be illegal to use words such as 'speccy', 'fatty', 'nancy' and 'Christopher Biggins'.

Mr Straw said: "I want everyone to just stop being so bitchy, OK?"

He then dismissed shadow home secretary David Davis as 'a pig in knickers' before heading to an all-night Ugly Betty party in Soho.

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Floods, Foot And Mouth, Floods, Terrorism, Floods, Floods, Says Brown

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown hit back at his critics yesterday insisting floods, terrorism, terrorism, foot and mouth, floods.

Mr Brown said his decision not to lose an election floods, terrorism, floods, was taken in the country's best foot and mouth interests.

The Prime Minister told an insolent Downing Street terrorism press conference: "Crisis, economy, strong, terror, foot and mouth, flood, terror. No I didn't."

Showing how he would drown a terrorist in a flood, he shouted: "Stability! Northern Rock! Ned Sherrin! Bluetongue! Bluetongue! Bluetongue!"

Mr Brown later promised to bring home British troops so they could help him terrorise foot and mouth adding: "Vision, threats, vision, decisive, vision, economy, decisive terrifying octopus."

Insisting the fat, noisy journalists were wrong, he said: "My decisive weekend floods. Stable foot and mouth leadership agenda. Terrorise Douglas Alexander gonads."

The Prime Minister also unveiled plans to flood the House of Commons and make all major policy announcements via BBC1's Andrew Marr Reads the Papers.