Everything To Become Smaller And More Expensive, Says Gates

IN five years time everything you buy will be much smaller and cost a great deal more money, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates has confirmed.

Microsoft is to produce a tiny version of Bill Gates that will make wildly inaccurate predictions about the internet and cost £149.99

Gates said consumers were furious about the size of their electronic devices and that he had received hundreds of death threats from people unable to put all of their possessions in one very small drawer.

Speaking at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, Gates said: "People are leading smaller lives. They are having smaller experiences and thinking smaller thoughts.

"Against the backdrop of this context, we must be constantly evolving our user interface technologies, or 'things'."

Highlights at the show include a holographic chess game featuring the stars of Grey's Anatomy, a 50ft hight plasma screen TV that is programmed to kill, and a Japanese man who has replaced all of his teeth with tiny iPods.

Gates added: "Microsoft and our commercial partners will strive to make your life smaller and smaller until you can fit all the constituent parts into your child's mouth."

But Wayne Hayes, deputy director at the Institute for Consumers, said: "That's just so much cock.

"These corporations employ dozens of spectacularly awful people to work out how much they can save in raw materials by making things half their current size.

"They then wheel out Bill Gates and Steve Jobs to convince you that this is what you actually wanted all along. You then buy these tiny things for stupid amounts of money, like the arseholes they know you are.

"Before you know it Bill Gates is wanking over yet more Da Vinci sketches, meanwhile at Apple it's swan burgers all round. Fuckers."