Everything To Become Smaller And More Expensive, Says Gates

IN five years time everything you buy will be much smaller and cost a great deal more money, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates has confirmed.

Gates said consumers were furious about the size of their electronic devices and that he had received hundreds of death threats from people unable to put all of their possessions in one very small drawer.

Speaking at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, Gates said: "People are leading smaller lives. They are having smaller experiences and thinking smaller thoughts.

"Against the backdrop of this context, we must be constantly evolving our user interface technologies, or 'things'."

Highlights at the show include a holographic chess game featuring the stars of Grey's Anatomy, a 50ft hight plasma screen TV that is programmed to kill, and a Japanese man who has replaced all of his teeth with tiny iPods.

Gates added: "Microsoft and our commercial partners will strive to make your life smaller and smaller until you can fit all the constituent parts into your child's mouth."

But Wayne Hayes, deputy director at the Institute for Consumers, said: "That's just so much cock.

"These corporations employ dozens of spectacularly awful people to work out how much they can save in raw materials by making things half their current size.

"They then wheel out Bill Gates and Steve Jobs to convince you that this is what you actually wanted all along. You then buy these tiny things for stupid amounts of money, like the arseholes they know you are.

"Before you know it Bill Gates is wanking over yet more Da Vinci sketches, meanwhile at Apple it's swan burgers all round. Fuckers."

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'Look at the size of this f**king rat' say zoologists

A NEW species of giant rat has been discovered in a remote region of New Guinea by a team of totally freaked-out zoologists.

The scientists, from the Institute for Studies, spotted the ‘absolutely mental thing’ during a five-day trek through the hazardous Foja mountains.

Expedition leader Professor Wayne Hayes said: “I was filling my water bottle when I saw this huge fucking thing and I shouted to my mate Dave, I said, ‘Dave, look at the size of that fucker!’ and Dave was like, ‘Jesus Christ, it’s a fucking monster!

“I shouted over to Stevie and Ben, I said, ‘get a look at this bastard’ and they’re like ‘no way man, that’s mental’ – they were totally freaking out.”

Professor Hayes added: “Ben was like, ‘that’s a rat, it’s totally a rat’ and I was going, ‘naah, it’s some kind of freaky beaver or a weird-looking, fucked-up cat.'”

Dr David Hobbs added: “I was like, ‘that’s a mutant otter or something, it’s bigger than my dog, for Christ’s sake’ and Wayne was saying we should catch it, and I was like, ‘you fucking catch it’.

“So anyway, we tell Stevie that it’s his turn to catch something and he’s like totally pissed off, but he tears after it anyway, shouting, ‘come here you dirty big bastard, I want to take your picture’.”

Dr Steven McKay added: “We also trapped this manky little thing with huge eyes which they reckon is maybe a possum or a really big gerbil.

“Dave tried to give it a fruit pastille, but it wasn’t interested.”