Eye contact now considered a threat

THE popularity of smartphones and tablet devices means that looking at someone during a conversation is asking for a fight.

Researchers found that 89 per cent of Britons believe is it confrontational to look directly at a person, even if you are in a meeting or having sex.

Office worker Stephen Malley said: “Eyes are for screens. If I want to see faces there are websites for that.

“Everyone’s features are the same anyway. Hair and eyes and shit.

“Sometimes my kids look at me when the batteries run out on their iPads. It’s like they’re trying to see into my brain or something.”

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Urinal neighbour wants to chat

A STRANGER who is standing beside you holding his penis wants to know if you are having a good night.

48-year-old urinating man Tom Booker initiated conversation in a pub toilet after breaking wind and declaring “better out than in”.

He said: “It’s alright in here, there’s loads of fanny. Where you from?”

Booker then heightened the already tense atmosphere by loudly observing that the occupier of the nearest cubicle was masturbating.

He added: “You’re not a gay are you?”