Coca-Cola furious about everyone drinking each other's Cokes


THE Coca-Cola Company has ordered the world to stop consuming Cokes that bear other people’s names.

The manufacturer has pulled its product from shelves after research discovered that consumers were drinking any bottle as if they were not clearly labelled.

A Coca-Cola spokesman said: “Do you think we put a different name on each individual bottle for a laugh?

“I fail to see how we could have made it clearer.

“Now Sarah’s drinking Dan’s Coke, Dan’s drinking Brittany’s Coke, she’s drinking Jejomar’s – and we only made two of those – and the entire system breaks down. What a fucking waste of time.”

Coca-Cola has withdrawn all bottles from sale and purchases can now only be made in writing with your original birth certificate notarised by a solicitor.

Eleanor Shaw of Lampeter said: “I really couldn’t imagine living without Coke, but on closer reflection it’s a disgustingly sickly brown syrup so who cares.”

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Glastonbury cynicism wears out in 30 minutes

COMMENTS about how rubbish Glastonbury is wore thin 30 minutes after tickets went on sale, it has been confirmed.

Not jaded

Smartarses flooded the internet shortly after 9am yesterday to tell people buying tickets what gullible idiots they all were.

Miserable bastard Wayne Hayes said: “I got to use the word ‘trustafarian’ which is quite a result as that’s usually the first to go in the Glastonbury comment stampede.

“I’ve insulted people who go to Glastonbury ever since I was a teenager so I’d be devastated if I missed out and had to make do with moaning about the quality of beer at the Reading Festival instead.”

Abusing Glastonbury attendees has grown immensely since its humble beginnings in 1970 when eight people shouted ‘wanker’ over a dry stone wall at a man in a Hawkwind t-shirt.

It is estimated that almost half a million bitter nostalgia addicts will miss out on making snarky online comments this year, having to make do with picking holes in festivities while watching the live BBC broadcast.

Hayes said: “It’s not about which bands are playing, we know they’re all going to be shit, it’s the excitement of bitching about young people getting wasted and humping each other.”