Female orgasm far too complicated, say men

A VIDEO of the female brain during orgasm proves it is far too complicated to be bothered with.

The animated scan showed more than three areas of the brain were involved at different times, leading millions of men to shake their heads and say ‘nah’.

Researchers found that the orgasm starts in the frontal cortex before moving on to the nucleus accumbens and then reaching its peak in the hypothalmus, by which point a normal man should have finished and be well on his way to the lavatory.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “I completely lost track of it half way through. It was like watching a David Lynch film.

“How are we supposed to remember ‘nucleus accumbens’ never mind asking if her oxytocin has reached its optimum level?”

Stephen Malley, from Guildford, said: “Not that I care in the slightest, but if a woman really wants to have an orgasm with me then it’ll have to be a proper, old fashioned one with none of your fancy brain parts that are just there for show.”

Bill McKay, from Hatfield said: “I thought they had them in their vaginas? The same way that I have mine in my penis.

“If it can all be kept in the vagina area then I can probably cope with that, but if bits of it are going to be happening in her brain then I’m going to get all confused.

“And then eventually I’ll just give up and go and watch television.

“As usual.”


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Britain not cleverer than Simon Cowell

MILLIONS of X Factor conspiracy theorists have convinced themselves they are cleverer than Simon Cowell, thus proving the opposite.

Dorito-munchers across the nation are quite certain they have outwitted the billionaire karaoke mogul after figuring out Simon Cowell’s various voting/judging ‘scams’ from stories given to newspapers by Simon Cowell.

X Factor viewer Nathan Muir said: “This might blow your mind a little, but the whole thing’s totally rigged. In fact you might as well call it ‘the Fix Factor’, ha.

“Yeah. ‘Fix Factor’, that’s pretty good. I thought of that.”

He added: “Simon Cowell would have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch me out. I mean, it’d take more than some fairly standard PR jiggery to get me reading and talking about his television program.


A television industry source said: “Simon Cowell is one of the nation’s wealthiest men for a reason – his innate cunning would make an especially audacious fox look like Rodney from Only Fools and Horses.

“Meanwhile your median X Factor devotee has about the same intellectual machinery as a crude 1980s chess computer.

“A carefully-orchestrated whiff of conspiracy will allow said viewer to exercise his or her limited mental faculties to ‘fathom it all out’. This simple process gets the viewer engaged with the show and gives them the same sort of satisfaction that a squirrel might get after pulling out a matchstick to get a nut.

“It’s a classic PR move called the ‘reverse moron’ or ‘the fuckwit paradox’.”