Fracking victims to receive share of hazmat suit and lake of fire

PEOPLE whose tap water is going to burst into flames will be given a share of a biological warfare suit, the prime minister has confirmed.

In a bid to convince the public that smashing open the earth’s crust is safe, anyone in an area affected by fracking will be offered occasional use of protective clothing or a fire extinguisher mounted over their kitchen sink.

Meanwhile, some households will also receive ‘priority access’ to their local burning lake where they can enjoy leisure activities such as incredibly dangerous jet-skiing.

Theresa May said: “While fracking is absolutely fine, and anyone telling you otherwise is a lunatic, we think it’s only fair we give people a onesie made of two-inch-thick vulcanised rubber.”

She added: “Living near a fracking site will be like playing a virtual reality version of something called Fallout 4, only this time your dog will definitely die.

“Ignore that last part.”

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Adults have sensible discussion about grammar schools

TWO adult humans have discussed grammar schools from opposing perspectives without either of them going off in a massive strop.

Tom Logan and workmate Mary Fisher talked about selective state schools, during which both sides of the argument were highlighted without anyone being called a Tory dickbag or lefty Pinko gimp.

Logan said: “Maybe it’s not a bad thing, at least it’s better than the existing system where middle class people just buy all the houses near a sought-after school.”

Fisher, instead of calling him a ‘Torygraph twat arse’, countered that it might not work that way: “Wealthy people will spend loads on tutors so that their kids pass the entrance exam. Surely a better situation would be if all schools were good.”

Rather than throwing his cup of tea, Logan said: “Yes. But it has never seemed to work like that, and nowadays people who went to private school seem to run everything like never before, even most grime MCs went to Eton.

“I honestly think that something needs to be done, perhaps this is the best solution even if it is flawed.”

At this point Bradford did not get in his face about ‘entrenching privilege’, but said: “Personally I had a negative experience at a grammar school, however it is a complicated matter and not just about me. I respect your different but reasonable and honestly-held views on this sensitive topic.”

Onlooker Roy Hobbs said: “Well that was disappointing.”