Genetically-modified mosquitoes released for no reason

SCIENTISTS in Malaysia have unleashed giant, DNA-altered mosquitoes into the environment for the hell of it.

The insects, many of which are larger than adult labradors, kill their prey by pinning it down using razor-tipped forelegs then inserting a foot-long proboscis into an eye socket and sucking out the brain matter.

Geneticist Wayne Hayes, who works at the secretive laboratory near Kualar Lumpar, said: “When you work in science, you’re always under a lot of pressure to be logical and rational and I think we were really feeling that last Tuesday.

“My colleague Stephen and I were laboriously mapping some genomes  – as usual –  when he looked up from his microscope and said, ‘hey, when was the last time you did something just, y’know, to be in the moment?’

“I’m a really hard science worker – most days I’m pulling 14 hour shifts. I get home with barely the energy to stick a lasagne in the microwave and at the weekends I might go to a museum.

“So I replied that I couldn’t honestly remember doing anything like that, except last June when I stayed up until 1.30am on a Tuesday watching Smokey and the Bandit II.

“Stephen gave me this look I’d never seen before and said, ‘shall we release a load of massive fucking insects?’.”

Dr Stephen Malley said: “Like I told Wayne at the time, life is just a series of moments and we’ll always remember the day when we released those giant flying carnivores via the air conditioning chute. It was very similar to something out of Point Break.”

He added: “They’ll probably just  assimilate harmlessly into the ecology.

“Maybe not though.”


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Keys points finger at Sith

RICHARD Keys has blamed disturbances in the Force for his recent inability to cling on to his job.

The sports pundit impersonator and flexi-time Jedi claims the Youtube account leaking footage of him chasing secretaries around a desk is the work of the Sith Lords.

Using home-made equipment fashioned from an old BskyB squarial, he claimed the leaked footage is teeming with bad midichlorians.

Keys said: “Women lead to bras. Bras lead to breasts. Breasts lead to making ‘flubalubaluba’ noises whilst shaking your head back and forth.

“A very serious conversation with Human Resources where they ask you to hand back your security pass, that way lies.”

He has asked his former employers to be on the lookout for a woman named Darth Sexual Grievance filing harassment suits while ancient men in hooded robes look on and cackle before saying: “Good… good. You have controlled your fear of being groped, now unleash your claim for compensation!”

Rumours have already surfaced that Keys will retire from broadcasting altogether, after he told friends: “Excitement? Adventure? A sporting anchor craves not these things. Especially when presenting a Wednesday night League Cup tie between Swindon and Ipswich you are.”

But most insiders suggest he will hide away on the unregarded backwater station of Talksport and await the arrival of a young punditry apprentice whom he can instruct in the ways of calling women ‘Tittyfolol’.

Keys added: “With this new apprentice and the spectre of my former colleague, I will rid the sporting galaxy of the Sith feminists forever.

“When Sky struck Andy Gray down, they made him more powerful than they could possibly imagine.”