Goldfish’s attention span now better than yours

THE attention span of the goldfish is now superior to that of humans.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies praised the ornamental fish for its ability to stay focused on a single thing for up to nine seconds.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The goldfish has sufficient concentration ability to swim up from the bottom of its bowl and grab a food pellet from the surface of the water.

“You couldn’t do that. You’d get halfway there and be like – oh, the internet. I’d better check some message type thing, buy some trousers or look at a pornographic video.

“So you’d stop to do that, then end up looking a dozen other things of equally poor quality, then have lost all recollection of your original objective.”

Goldfish Tom Logan said: “The secret is that I don’t have a smartphone.

“Also I go inside a little plastic shipwreck model for five minutes every day and meditate.”

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Bond producers forget to make film

THE makers of the new James Bond film have been so busy with product placement they have forgotten to make the movie.

They now have less than a month in which to make a film with breathtaking action sequences, exotic locations and a large number of expensive consumer products.

Producer Tom Logan said: “I’ve been rushed off my feet doing deals with vodka companies, so I’m going to pull an all-nighter and write the entire script tonight. I’ve already had an idea for a scene where Bond drives a car really fast with people chasing him.

“We’ve left it a bit late to get a big name director like Sam Mendes, but the guy who did Birdemic might be free. If the worst comes to the worst I’ll have to film it on my phone.

“All the insanely obvious product placement might even work in our favour, because we can pad it out with scenes of Bond checking his watch and trying on jumpers.”

However, Logan said the film’s 26th October release date did not leave time to create any of 007’s trademark ingenious gadgets, which would now consist of a compass, ladder and spear.