Rugby game proves sweeping national stereotypes

THE English are arrogant fops and the Welsh are brave, stocky underdogs, it has been confirmed.

Although rugby is impossible to fully understand, spectators at Saturday’s World Cup match recalled seeing the England team carried onto the pitch in sedan chairs, wearing top hats.

25-year-old Australian Tom Booker said: “From the way they were dressed in safari suits and sipping cocktails, the English reeked of imperialist aloofness.

“The Welsh on the other hand looked like men of steel, forged in the furnace of oppression and burning with vengeful feelings against the foe that had gravely wronged them throughout history.”

The English delayed kick off while they finished smoking and telling each other hunting anecdotes in loud posh voices, because that is how arrogant they are.

Booker said: “Being English, they were more arrogant than a cockerel in gold trousers. But they took an early lead because they have longer limbs due to superior nutrition.

“However at half time England were cockily drinking Pimm’s with their coach Stephen Fry, while the brave Welsh huddling in their meagre underground changing room to eat nutritious leeks and sing rousing choir songs.

“Then they gave England the pasting they so richly deserved, and the Welsh rugby captain got to marry Charlotte Church and become their king.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Furious mob targets mildly annoying thing

ANGRY protesters have laid siege to a ‘cereal cafe’ in East London because it is quite annoying.

The mob gathered with flaming torches and pig masks, determined to put an end to the semi-ironic cafe that slightly gets on some peoples’ tits.

Protester Nikki Hollis said: “We’re fed up with people coming here and opening businesses with a whimsical slant.

“I suppose it is a free country but that is not the point. They’ve got all beards and shit.

“You should see them all sitting there, eating their cereal or taking pictures of their cereal for social media.

“Some of them don’t even sit on the chairs properly. You know that thing were people sit with their legs curled up and their feet on the edge of the chair, like a kid? They do that.

“It is really annoying. Probably almost as annoying as when your computer does a software update and then stops working properly.

“Also if you’re going to change the world its better to confront effete bearded men than tanks.”

However onlooker Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve often walked past Cereal Killer on my way to work and thought that I would like to throw a chair through the window.

“But when you see the punters trapped in there looking all scared, some of them with little kids who are scared too, they start to seem disappointingly human. The fun sort of goes out of it.

“Some things are better in theory than in practice.”