Google rendered unusable after font change

SEARCH engine Google has been abandoned by users unable to decipher its new logo.

Computers have been hurled out of windows in confusion and anger, with many people rejecting modern life altogether and choosing to live in a cave.

Google fan Nikki Hollis said: “I wanted to look up what my opinion on Taylor Swift was meant to be today but instead of my Google homepage I was met with these strange, menacing hieroglyphs.

“I haven’t been home since but I imagine they’re still there on my computer screen, glowing with unfathomable, arcane menace. I don’t know what I’m meant to do now.

“Ask Jeeves? You ask fucking Jeeves.”

Cryptologists have warned the series of curves and colours may represent an ancient Mayan curse, and if enough people try to utter its message it could invoke The Unnamed One into being.

Hollis added: “Why can’t we have winsome cartoons about artists I’ve never heard of? Where was the harm in that?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Nation heroically fights down more beer to cut deficit

THOUSANDS of heroic Britons are selflessly downing extra pints of beer in the name of fiscal solvency.

Across the country, brave drinkers have been doing their part to make up for the £6.5bn deficit caused each year by deviant teetotallers.

Bill McKay, from Doncaster, said: “I don’t like the term ‘hero’. It gets to me when people call me that.

“I’m just a normal man doing his bit for his country by knocking back six pints and a couple of chasers on a Thursday evening.

“Of course it’s not easy, but when I get home I want to be able to look my family in the eyes, or where I think their eyes are, and know that I’ve played my part.”

He added: “I don’t how these teetotallers can live with themselves. They’re filthy traitors and they should all be put in jail.”