Google to pay £2bn fine by blackmailing you about your search history

GOOGLE has unveiled plans to pay its £2bn EU fine by blackmailing you about all the weird and/or dirty things you look up on the internet every single day.

The search giant is to extort £10 from a selected 200m European users – especially perverts like you – in order to keep your utter filth a secret between you and them.

A spokesman said: “At 8.48pm last night a Mr ‘JD’ from West London searched, for the 18th time this month, for images of goats in traditional Welsh dress. Ten quid and it will remain ‘your thing’.

“Meanwhile, on Tuesday night at 11.38pm a Ms ‘DB’ from Swindon searched for a ‘plumber’ available at ‘very short notice’. £10 is the equivalent of the bottle and a half of Pinot Grigio you drank before opening your laptop and beginning your ‘quest’.”

Google also plans to raise further funds by searching Gmail correspondence for incriminating phrases including ‘I’ll bring the Nutella’ and ‘thank you for your donation to the Conservative Party’.

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Glass of red wine about to be placed on carpet by idiot

AN idiot is moments away from placing a glass of red wine on her friend’s carpet, it has been confirmed.

Although there is a perfectly good coffee table nearby, guest Nikki Hollis has opted to balance a glass of merlot on Helen Thompson’s cream carpet after it emerged she is a thoughtless arse with a brain the size of a Tic Tac.

Thompson is now watching in terror as her moronic friend moves her glass closer to the carpet while droning on about some work-related bollocks.

Thompson said: “Oh shit, here we fucking go. I’ll try to make a show of putting my glass on a coaster on the table. Why am I even friends with this unbelievable cretin?”

Meanwhile, Hollis said: “Helen looks a bit stressed. Honestly, that woman really needs to learn how to relax and enjoy herself.

“I’ll just pop my glass on the carpet while I make a really important point about my career. Then I will get up and go to the loo and everything will be fine.”

When the liquid hits the carpet any second now, Hollis is expected to make the stain – and therefore the relationship – much worse by pouring half a bottle white wine on it.