Google to pay £2bn fine by blackmailing you about your search history

GOOGLE has unveiled plans to pay its £2bn EU fine by blackmailing you about all the weird and/or dirty things you look up on the internet every single day.

The search giant is to extort £10 from a selected 200m European users – especially perverts like you – in order to keep your utter filth a secret between you and them.

A spokesman said: “At 8.48pm last night a Mr ‘JD’ from West London searched, for the 18th time this month, for images of goats in traditional Welsh dress. Ten quid and it will remain ‘your thing’.

“Meanwhile, on Tuesday night at 11.38pm a Ms ‘DB’ from Swindon searched for a ‘plumber’ available at ‘very short notice’. £10 is the equivalent of the bottle and a half of Pinot Grigio you drank before opening your laptop and beginning your ‘quest’.”

Google also plans to raise further funds by searching Gmail correspondence for incriminating phrases including ‘I’ll bring the Nutella’ and ‘thank you for your donation to the Conservative Party’.